I have usually been too much of 'something' in my life. Too giving. Too emotional. Too loving... If that exists ;). Too angry. I share openly even when I tell myself to stop sharing and just keep more things to myself ( I've often considered if this could help in being hurt by people less). It is either a skill I just haven't tried hard enough at or it is a skill that I will never obtain. When I get around someone and I feel their excitement to talk or they start sharing I just cannot help it I jump right in and share something personal. This last summer I did just that and it resulted in someone never speaking to me again and thinking less of me. Sadly it is not the first time this has ever happened. Most of my life I have wanted to be every ones friend and to just have fun! What I've found in trying for this goal though is that most people don't actually have that same goal. They have agendas and reasons for talking to only certain people. I may be over baring with my emotions sometimes but unfortunately for me, sometimes, and for others around me that is the way I communicate best!!
I don't wake up most days and tell myself "I really need to share my most embarrassingly personal story with a complete stranger" It just ends up happening if that person has made me feel safe or wanted or loved in anyway. I have past issues that I am facing dangerously head on with a strong head on my shoulders. The pain from my experiences are nauseating and often take my breath away when let go uncontrolled but I am winning. Every day that I am a live I AM WINNING.
I recently started practicing my talents of Music, Dance and Acting again so that I could apply for a very prestigious Universe. I am scared out of my mind to let myself be so vulnerable. Performing those art forms has always been the way people can truly see exactly what I am dealing with in my life without me even wanting it. When I dance, my body gliding across the floor tells a story and the one it will tell now? I want it to say 'strong', 'courageous', 'full of life' instead of 'recently abused' 'not so innocent' and 'heart broken'. My self esteem is hugely lacking. Even with the love from my God it is only enough if I can feel it for myself on a constant basis. I am happy most days.... some days are harder than others and some.... are just plain awful.
I put a smile on my face for most people. Reality? I trust very few people truly and very few people actually live up to the standard of 'my friend'. I just pray that despite my own faults I have been someone that people want to be around and who lets people know that they can share anything they need or want to and I wont judge them or make them feel bad for it. I love people, even the ones I haven't yet met, always have and probably always will.
