Im Just A Thorny Red Rose

I found myself in tears while cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. These tears did not last long, I am incapable of crying for more than a few seconds now but the reason behind them had finally sunk in. I will always have some kind of scar or hurt from being abused. Daily reminders hang in the air despite my huge efforts in trying to keep them from disturbing my recovery. The big reminders come from seeing an Army uniform, anything military really. I cant help but feel a stereo type forming in my heart regarding service men and that breaks my heart. I know that the choices of one man should not be affecting the way I view the many thousands who in truth lay down their lives for me every day. His choices have now clouded the ease in which I used to celebrate my favorite holiday, the 4th of July. Other triggers for my PTSD are less obvious for me to see but I have found them to be more harmful none the less. I now find myself Judging marriages when I see the slightest amount of spousal abuse or lying going on. Anything that is similar in anyway to my own past marriage is something that I end up pin pointing in other marriages which are close by to my viewing eye. This is a part of my reality which makes me feel crazy. The way my mind was during those five months of being married comes flooding back to me and I want to run screaming towards the person who I think is harming his wife and family and shout at him, " Why? Your life is so great, you have beautiful kids and a loving wife! you have no reason to be disobeying Gods laws in these ways. How dare you?" I realize that by doing so would be completely out of line by my part but I get so outraged. 
When abuse is allowed to happen it is layered on slowly over time, little by little, until the person being abused is so wrapped up in it they do not even see it happening anymore. I have noticed the affects of abuse in my own life and now am seeing it in the lives of those close to me and it hurts monumentally. I would not consider myself a dramatic person by nature and so only imagine ways that I would stop it from happening to those I love but when it actually comes down to confrontation I fold up like a plastic fork being burned by fire. I want to be like the prophets I read about in the Bible and Book of Mormon and call people to repent but this is not my purpose in life....that I am aware of ;) 
As Valentines day is approaching I am finding myself trying to drown out and forget completely the events of last year on that day. The same thing happened as Christmas and New Years came and went, so I hope have the memories of being married on those "special days." I am someone who loves holidays and birthdays and surprises yet even with that precious knowledge each and every holiday was pulverized by his incompetency to love unconditionally. I grew up with a father who always made a special effort to show my mother just how much he loved her by making holidays special for her and for us. I was shown what it feels like to experience Valentines Day where my 'special someone' literally did nothing special for me. In fact I made several nice valentines for him but I was left standing feeling UN loved and discarded at the end of the day when I realized that he hadn't thought twice about me. I am finding myself a lone on this Valentines Day but in the literal sense and not in the forgotten sense. I feel accomplished and well taken care of this year because I have taken the time to grow from my experiences. There would be nothing more harmful to my self esteem and state of health than if I was distraught or disappointed at being single this time of year. I am grateful for the second chance at life and for the ability to succeed. 

        I can imagine a red rose with many thorns on it all the way up and down the stem. This rose is my beautiful life. When I was born I was a small rose bud which only blossomed when the sun would shine on me. By natures way I naturally grew into color and vivaciousness but thorns grew as well. I liked where I was. A beautiful red rose among others like me! Than the Gardener cut me and took me away. He carefully pruned off my thorns and any excess branches or twigs. I felt like he had been harsh and mean in taking me from the life that I had grown to love and accept as all there was for me. Than as he placed me into fresh water and a beautiful vase filled with hand picked life which complimented me and the changes I had over come I realized the great love he has for me. I know not what vase I may end up in for I am not the Gardener here and am yet in the phase of allowing him to remove my thorns but I trust Him. I trust the Gardener of my life which is my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Whoever is able to read this blog I am praying for you! I am praying that you may find peace of mind in your life this valentines day. I am just a girl who wants to find true love and yes it would be super fab to have a fun date to go on this valentines day or any day really.... at what price though if it is all for the wrong reasons? This is your life, so put yourself first ( to some degree) and than you will know how to keep treating you and how to treat that special someone when they do come into your life. I am wishing all those who have a love bird to cherish all the happiness in the world this Valentines Day! Hold on tight to love and it will hold on tight to you ;) Happy Valentines Day world!!