...So I Love You....

In a month it will have been a year sense I left Augusta Georgia. Hitting the pavement I began the longest journey I had ever traversed, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It took my parents and I three days to get back to Utah. Most of what I remember from the three days where the emotions I was feeling. A complete and utter destruction of my heart had taken place and the further I drove away from the home I had tried to make my own the closer I came to understand Gods love for me. One conversation which happened during that car ride was between me and my Mother In Law. She had received a call from the Army informing her of what happened and had come down to be with her son and work things out. I had already left the city and was on my way to family in Atlanta for the night. I wanted to cry when I told her that I wished we could still be family, that I would have loved to be her Daughter In Law and have gotten the chance to know her, but for my safety that was not possible anymore. I did not cry, there were none left to give. She talked to me openly and informed me that it was not the first time that he had hurt a loved one and that she understood. The stories are not mine to share but I am not the only woman he abused. The list unfortunately goes on a and on... When I started to delve and dig into his past I sat down and cried when I learned of the other women who had also been victims. This "man" was barely 21 and had already done more damage than most men will in a lifetime.... I don't have a statistic to back that one up but you get my point yeah? What brings about a 21 year old male willfully harming any woman he can?  I say any woman not because I wish to be dramatic but because I knew no strategy to the women he did target. His targets were any woman who would allow him close enough to tell a lie. His cunning tongue and insight into who that woman is than allows him to pin point her weaknesses ( not very hard with an open and emotionally unstable woman) which where most of his victims. At least the ones which where hurt the most. I was emotionally unstable when he came into my life and I cannot put all the blame on him for my willingness to get to know him either. The very first text message he sent me was somewhat normal, Hi my name is so and so tell me about yourself. we had already been "set up" by a mutual friend and so already the atmosphere felt somewhat safe. The third or fourth text message read something like this. "Well, Aimee, I really like everything you have said so far and this seems like it could work out so what do you think wanna make a go of this?" umm.... what the heck do you think dummy?? This was my first reaction as I literally thought he was stupid in the head with a comment like that when you are first getting to know someone. I did not want to "make a go of this" and I told him that. I told him that I was fresh from a long term relationship and that I did not want to do a long distance internet relationship again. Right then and there is when I should have deleted his number, changed addresses and states and never looked back but I did not. I began Skyping with him... because I am a good person and everyone needs a friend.... Now I was the dumb one in the head. I believe I have already told you about the whole "I love you" Skype call after only 3 weeks of knowing each other and having never met in person.. I am going to stop the story right now to tell everyone reading this male or female if you or anyone you know has said "I love you" in a romantic way to someone you have never met.... STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!! Your life is not a Disney movie where the love interest enters, you kiss, and than it cuts to credits with the hope and understanding that all will be a "Happily Ever After." You don't even know how that person fits into your arms when you hug! Let alone how they treat you when you decide to fill their car up with the wrong kind of fuel because you where late for work and did not take the time to notice. If you need a real life example from my personal vault here you go. He smoked pot in my car and thought that a very strong car freshener would cover up the saturating stench. I did not know him long enough or even in the right physical proximity to know that he even smoked or that he would do it in MY car. For someone to enter a home ( our very personal space, something we keep safe and frequently free of random people) they must knock and receive permission to enter and reside for a given time. You have the option of looking through the window or peep hole to make sure you feel good about the person who is seeking entrance. Only after recognition do you allow the door to be opened and that person limited access to your home. Your heart and mind should be treated with as much care and caution. Would you allow just anyone into your home? Your heart? Mind? I have learned that just as there are universally known steps that one must undergo to enter a home dwelling there are steps one must know to enter someones heart. Keep your hearts locked to love until you have thoroughly left them standing on the front porch for peep hole scrutiny! 
I know now better than I ever hoped to before that time alone with myself, learning how to love myself, is what I need to be able to recognize from others the way I deserve to be treated. I have and will continue to take that time for how ever long it takes until I no longer feel anxious or nervous that I haven't been asked out or complimented by a man. I instead will compliment myself and do special dates with myself to allow me to get to know me! :) It sounds a bit crazy but one of my favorite things to do is to treat myself to a movie. Literally I get in the car, buy my own ticket, buy whatever treats I would like and than choose the seat that I want. I laugh out loud if I want to, cry if I feel like crying and analyze the movie :) I don't go because its a Friday night and I didn't have a date. I have even turned down plans before just to go have an Aimee Date :P I go because I know the importance of being good and stable on my very own. Than and only than will I be able to enjoy being around others. Life is good! So rejoice!