Twinkling lights lined the walls and also were strung over head to create a canopy of romance. In truth the scene caught me off guard as I have secretly always wanted to be in room filled with lights such as they had and I felt like the night held all sorts of possibilities for me. I checked out the food table but had already eaten dinner AND a piece of my homemade Pumpkin and squash pie so I just passed on to the two couples I recognized. I sat down at a table after visiting for a short time with them and thought 'great!! just what I thought would happen I am surrounded by couples!' One of those couples though allowed me a dance with her husband which I was very tentative about but it proved to be a very kind gesture and I felt grateful for it.
Soon a sweet woman named Tory came over to chat for a bit and then introduced me to some of the singles members who had shown up after all! I was surprised with the ease in which I was able to hold conversations with the two men who I met first. I really enjoyed meeting them and felt confident in my abilities to talk about my life without saying anything about having been married and with that creating awkwardness. It furthered my excitement about getting back to dating soon and being confident enough to enjoy meeting new people.
I soon found myself over at a table meeting new faces and I started to feel a little bit more intimidated and wondered if I could continue to feel confident enough with so many new people to meet. I did though, the Lord helped me feel at ease knowing that I was in really good company and that these new friends shared my same values and beliefs. The dance was mostly a bust except for the awesome people I was able to meet and how beautiful I felt! I love being able to dress up, and on this specific night I got to wear a dress I had bought at the Deseret Industries before moving out to Boston. It was a yellow ballroom gown with beading all down the bodice with extra fabric in triangles at the bottom. No I did not actually do much dancing in it but I felt like a princess for wearing it and I was glad that I had the courage to be so bold in my attire :)
Some of the newly acquired friends had heard of another dance that they wanted to try out but it was in Boston City so I felt uneasy about my chances with being able to go. I did not want to be out too late but they offered to drive me there and back and I felt a good feeling from them and knew that I would be taken care of. I changed into something more comfortable for a city adventure and we where off!
The dance ended up being not really a dance either but something else entirely so we sat down in the food court area of Boston City College and just talked. My phone was dead and so I went in search of a plug, when at first I did not see one so close by me. I saw a girl using her computer and so plugged my phone in next to her and in my awkward way said "try not to steal my phone." ....... well She was a black woman who took great offence to my 'Joke' and when I came back to retrieve my phone to plug it in closer to me under her breathe she called me a "Racist Bitch." I sat back down with my friends and immediately told them what happened. Shocked at realizing that I had offended her by my silly attempt at a joke.
I love humans and I do not see people any differently by the color of their skin or by the way they live or their religious beliefs or anything! I believe in loving people as they are and seeing them the way that God would want me too. My friends expressed their shock and immediately wanted to stand up for me and say something in regards to my honor, bless their hearts :) I could see where she was coming from though and felt really bad that I had caused her anger by my words and knew that I had not understood the place I was in, the circumstances that surrounded me or the way in which my words would be received.
I became quiet and pensive as I really did not feel settled about the situation that had taken place but did not know how to go about fixing it when I heard a different woman speak to me. "Excuse me? Can I ask you what you meant by what you said?" It was a friend of the other woman's and she had come to understand where I stood in regards to racism or even what I had meant. I stood up and explained that I had not meant any disrespect or harm by my words and had only meant to be lighthearted. She seemed a little relieved and explained to me that Blacks at Boston College have been receiving a lot of racism from the students about stealing things and that it was a very current problem they where facing. She was not as angry by my words as her friend and was able to talk to me politely and understand where I was coming from and I was able to express how sorry I was and that I realized afterwards that me not being from around Boston I should have thought better before I spoke. She seemed even more relieved and called her friend over to allow me to say that to her. When she came into my line of sight I saw an immense amount of hurt and anger in her eyes as well as mistrust and hate. I did not hold it together after that as well as I had before and the tears streamed down my face. I asked for her forgiveness and said that I was sorry for causing any hurt to her. I explained that I love people and that If I had understood better what was going on I never would have said any thing like I had. She relaxed when I asked for forgiveness and said that she could. I felt the tension dissipate and at the end of everything I ended up giving both of them a hug. I cannot say that I did not feel terrified but I also felt the spirit of God strengthening me as I took the time to understand a very disturbing situation.
Can you imagine if I had not been patient or had retorted with something super rude back? This woman would have never let that go and she would have carried her hate for white people with her for days, months, or even years. I may have even become a little racist myself thinking that they jump to conclusions about others and that they are cold and calculating. Something the friend said to her friend I will never forget.
"We can never fight racism by jumping to conclusions or not being able to understand where the other person is coming from. We must try to think better than that."
I was really grateful for that wonderful friend who was able to mediate the situation and for the Lord blessing me with patience and insight into the bigger picture. Also, I was grateful to feel the immediate effects of being forgiven by her. I would have tormented myself over the thought of having hurt her for months, that is just the kind of person that I am. She was able to let it go and forgive me and for anyone who knows what it feels like to be forgiven it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I know that I acted carelessly with my words, but I followed the spirit to understand my mistake and I was grateful for the power of the Atonement tonight. I know that I will be praying for the students at Boston College now and for the racism to be dissolved and worked out.
We ended up leaving soon after that happened but on the way out we waived to each other and could find peace between us, it felt good to be able to find that there.The friends I was with, I ended up sharing with them that I gained many of my communication skills from my failed marriage. They did not treat me differently after knowing that I had been married and abused, I was really grateful to them for that. They seemed and expressed in awe that I had handled the situation so well. I know that it wasn't me but the Lord helping me to speak with honesty and sincerity. However, I had to agree with them in the same kind of awe at myself. I am proud of the woman that I am becoming under the Lords guiding influence and am glad that I could pass this test and treat people with love and kindness even when treated poorly. You never know why someone has treated you badly. This isn't to say that you should let people treat you poorly, but I do believe with all my heart that, whenever possible, it is beneficial to your life if you can talk to them about it and resolve the situation patiently.
While walking back to the car we found this super sweet cookie shop called Insomnia Cookies and oh boy was that the perfect thing I needed after bearing my soul to a complete stranger. A warm, delicious, fresh Snickerdoodle Cookie and I was once more my light, loving self. Being emotionally available and honest is a really hard thing to accomplish while also being strong and courageous. I know the Lord walks with me wherever I go though, and that makes the world of difference. :)
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