D&C 1: 14-16
"And the arm of the Lord shall be revealed; and the day cometh that they who will not hear the voice of the Lord, neither the voice of his servants, neither give heed to the words of the prophets and apostles, shall be cut off from among the people;
For they have strayed from mine ordinances, and have broken mine everlasting covenant;
They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way...."
When I read this scripture, I was overwhelmed by the spirit. She had shared with me a situation that fit this scriptures message and it was hard to receive an answer so pure and true when the emotions where in the forefront of my mind.
The Lords commandment is to love the Lord and his second commandment is to love thy Neighbor.
D&C 59: 5-6
" Wherefore, I give unto them a commandment, saying thus: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind and strength...
Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself...."
It is often discussed, in great length, the many different ways we may follow that second commandment and that by doing so you are loving the Lord. I find the topic of what to do when thy neighbor rejects your love and cuts you off entirely from their life seldom discussed.
It breaks my heart when I see good people harboring hurt feelings against someone who is a good, hard working, God fearing person. When those 'hurt feelings' become reality and the only view they have of that individual and subsequently that person gets 'removed' from their life. It is a hard topic to open up about because each persons circumstance will be different and I would never want to assume that I understand all accounts on the matter. I will relate my own, very personal experience, feelings, and you can take away what is applicable in your own lives.
That is what I did with Marshal, my ex-husband. I cut him off from my life after I had covenanted to love him forever, for better or for worse... It was the hardest decision of my life. If someone where to ask me what is the hardest thing you have ever been through, I would say, "The moment I sat sobbing in my car outside the Military Police Station praying fervently for direction on whether or not I should really turn him in." On one hand I needed to be honest with myself. I was being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was endangering my spiritual standing by neglecting to take me back to the temple of the Lord, and had conditioned me to believe it would be wrong to have gone by myself. Any time he would leave the house, and had planned to be gone for things other than work, I would become manic in my emotions and thoughts, and the craziness would only subside when he got home. Any time I would leave the house alone, which was almost never, I would have visions of him committing suicide, and me coming home to find him dead. The trips out never lasted long.
With all of that being said my marriage did have good things to it too. He knew how to hold me until I was about to burst with emotions of love and compassion for him. He knew that quality time spent together was what was going to keep us strong and so we would play card games together or go for walks at a park on base. Someday, we wanted kids of our own. Until that time came, we would baby sit friends kids. Learning together the kind of parents we wanted to be.
What I am getting at, is that it was a monumental decision for me to make on my own. The only way I could numbly open up my car door, stand up, and walk into that Station was by the grace of God.
I have had faith in my saviors love for me since before I can remember. It was built into the fiber of being, as it is with all of his children. Coming to a knowledge of just how powerful that love is, and how much he is willing to do for us is completely different for each person. Yes, I chose to leave an abusive man who I had vowed to love for eternity. No, it was not easy, and yes, we might have been happy together. I will never know because I chose to leave. I chose to stand up for myself in the most extreme way I knew how. I could have stayed, and maybe he would have changed...I believe that what I went through was foreordained in Heaven, and that the Lord knew I would choose to marry Marshal Anthony. That he would choose to abuse me, and that I would choose to leave him. I relied on the Lord when I married him, and when I left him.
The Lord knows us personally, and perfectly. That in no way means that our personal agency is taken away from us. On the contrary, it is very much there for us to choose our own paths. It does mean that we have a perfect friend watching over us. Preparing his army of angels for our darkest hours, and our happiest ones. It means that we are never a lone, and that we have a friend who knows us more perfectly than anyone will ever know us.
So then, with all of that being said, how does the person on the other side of this equation feel?
How did Marshal feel when I had said I would be home that night, and instead of me at the door he was greeted by several police officers and yellow tape being squared around our house. It is no easy thing to consider the other person in this type of situation. I choose to, because my heart yearns to understand humanity. I choose to, because forgiveness is found by standing in someone else's shoes.
3 Nephi 12: 44
"But I would say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you;"
To end simply, I pray daily for the Lord to rest upon him, and to help change his heart. I pray for the women who have already, and who have yet to come into his life, that they may be protected. I pray that I can forgive him, and that he can forgive me. I pray. :) I do not regret the decision to leave my marriage.
There is no shame in leaving a union created by God to follow His commandments and teachings and to be able to become the person he wishes me to become.
There is no shame in loving myself first. Planting a divine seed within, that my life may bring about the blessings I have prayed for.
-A
No comments:
Post a Comment