All The Woman That I Need, an Aimes Ruth Re-Write. Original: All The Man That I Need Sung By: Whitney Houston

 All The Woman That I Need. Re-Write By: Aimes Ruth Pike (Aimee) 10/09/2023

In honor of Indigenous Peoples Day and in celebrating the roots we all came from, here is a new lyric to brighten up your world: (Original Song Title: All The Man That I Need) 

*This could work for any gender- just investigate where you would change your pronouns throughout the song* 

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I used to cry myself to sleep at night

That was all before I learned.

I thought love had to hurt to turn out right

Now I know, Self-loves power,

Self-loves the game.

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I fill me up, I give me love

More love, than I've ever known (Seen)

I'm all I've got,

I'm all I've got in this world

And I'm all the woman that I need. 

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In the mornin' when I great the sun

I take my time, feeling slow.

And in the evenin' when the moon is high

I hold me close and wont let go.

Freedom's power!

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I fill me up, I give me love.

More love than I've ever seen (known)

I'm all I've got, 

I'm all I've got in this world.

And I'm all the woman that I need.

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I am very connected to this song in general. In listening to the rendition that Whitney Houston sung many years ago, I see how disconnected she was from her own power. She often sung of NEEDING a man to fulfill her desires and HARDLY ever sung about owning her own power and NEEDING only herself. 

Self love is a powerful tool of healing, grounding to mother earth, and spreading authentic love throughout the world. I believe in my re-write because I believe in sharing a message of loving oneself first- before we can ever hope to find a fulfilling partner attached to true love. 

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If we do not understand how to love the self- through all sorts of ups, downs, good weather, and bad- How can we expect to fully be able to love a partner through all that life throws our way?

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In isolation from community has come freedoms power to love myself. Regardless of others definition of what that SHOULD look like. I do not believe in following the crowd - which puts me at a huge disadvantage when it comes to "fitting in"... *weird barbie anyone??*

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When it comes to healing my inner wounds, I have found that putting myself first has meant leaning into a deep loneliness. Self- love comes at a price you know. The price of loving yourself is truly LOOKING at yourself in the mirror and saying- I love you. Looking at all the flaws, the moments of personal dis-loyalty or putting others above or before yourself. I have paid the price in losing friendships, co-workers, family members that were not loyal, solid or full of healthy boundaries. 

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Loving my self has been liberating in that I no longer feel alone when Im in a crowded room. I know that I love the persona I came with; Myself. 

If I'm not happy with the atmosphere or circumstances, I am learning to take myself home. I am learning to do my best every day to love ALL THE PIECES of myself. 

As the ancient Toltecs taught: 1- Be impeccable with your word, 2- Don't take anything personally, 3- Don't assume, 4- Do your best, 5- Look for and know TRUTH.

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Wishing you all the most LUCIOUS of SELF-LOVES. That you may HEAL your deep wounds and create the type of world we can feel ecstatic to bring future children into. 

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-A

Create. Grow. Change. Freedom.

Homeless Like the Christ Child Was...

 Dear Ether,                                                                                                                    10/09/2023

I have found myself in a version of homelessness. Living in a tent, with subtle access to a homes facilities. #blessings. Try as I might to reconnect with the above world- I have found myself longing for braids and even less than I have now. 

I applied for four jobs today- heard back from one. Yes! This is it, this is my chance to get into a warm home. This is my chance to show my cat that I am capable. 

First day on the job and I am excited to see so many female faces. Female welders, and female heavy lifters. Female drivers, female organizers. Female computer savvy, and female leaders. 

Could this be the place for me??? I identify Non-binary, trauma that has fractured me into a trillion small pieces. Could this be the place for me?? Are these women - pro-women, or heavy masculine- weighed down by the worlds expectation of 'working women' and the trops that follow?

I jump right in and work a long hard day on the spot- just to prove that I understand team. I encourage and applaud- I take the time to get to know each persons name. Commitment, honesty and communication at my core. 

End of day I am feeling communal. They have acted goofy and let loose in front of me. I am a part of a team! I get asked to stay for the full production. 

I go home with elation on my fingertips and healing in my soul. I wake to the sun, and do some yard work. Knowing that a full day off would not help with my excitement to be on set tomorrow. 

I check on my emails in the afternoon, having been instructed to do so. No emails. hmmm... Ill wait a bit more. 

I send a few emails expressing that I have found work!! That they should not expect me at their volunteer effort. I send a few more emails, and I wait...

I email the head boss- she says, they are all waiting patiently- evening should wield answers. So I wait patiently. 

My anxiety is building- yet, I need to lead with love on set. I take a shower.  My trauma bubbles up inside of me. I cannot hold it in anymore- I wail, I scream, I cry uncontrollably. I am not in Utah anymore. I am thousands of miles away in a different tub, a different home, a different time. I am small, weak, unable to protect myself. 

"Let me go, please, let me go. I will be a good girl, please let me go." The words ring out as the little girl inside me works to show me what she experienced. I choke on the water as she did. I tremble and shake. I wail and I scream. I throw up. I choke some more. 

The visions are too terrible to express over words. The mother that raised me comes in to ask, "why I scream- Are you okay?". I am broken away from the little girl who is suffering and my voice rings out clear: "I am doing trauma work- leave the bathroom now!" 

The protector in me is fierce and loyal. A bathroom is a vulnerable place. 

I leave the house. I pull out my computer. I start my healing meditation music and I begin to paint. 

She dances before my eyes; Still, wet, silent, cold, hungry, shivering, alone. In my mind, I hold her amidst the stars she hides inside. The bubbles of light that keep her safe. Dark purple/gray shadows swirl around- hoping to engulf, to smother, to put out her light. I hold her. 

In the painting, she is alone. Dripping inside the bathroom turned dungeon. She is alone, her captors have tired of her, for now. 

I cry and wail as she releases her pain. I finish the painting... it is now very late in the night. 

No email. 

I have been instructed that an email should have come in the evening- for the call time is early. 

I go to bed trembling, with my heart pounding. Why do I feel so frightened?

I am safe in my home.

I am safe in my home.

I am safe in my home. 

I wake up at 2:30am... no email and an early call time of 5:30am...

My protector rears up- I email the head boss and express the unprofessional manner in which business has been conducted. I express that I no longer wish to work for them. That I will no longer commit my time and energy to them. The red flags were there. Homelessness and need for work made me overlook- I am learning everyday. Doing my best everyday. 

I email a volunteer opportunity back and say, "Ill see you Thursday!". This helps little one sleep better. This helps protector know that they have done a good job at protecting her.  

I go back to sleep, or try. I sleep sounder this time. More aware that I have chosen me. That I have prioritized me, that the work will be slow. 

Change takes time. 

I wake to the sunrise. Oh the beautiful, magical light. I check my emails. 

Big Boss: "It looks like you received the email in the evening just like I had stated you would, and X, Y, Z, and this is exactly what we discussed, and you don't have a cell phone and the whole team does... and...".

Big Boss is tired, overworked, and does not control her company. Someone bigger does. 

Truth? I received an email at 4:45AM stating that I was forgotten about. That I should report to set as soon as I get this, and its okay if Im late. I know this to be a false way to approach the industry. I know this to be the way that prostitutes find their way onto sets. 

I am not a prostitute. I have chosen a different path for myself then the path laid out by my "family".

They call this mental illness...did you know?

I protected myself. I am still homeless, jobless, and friendless. My community shouts at me to 'conform' to stand underground with them. 

I enjoy the light too much. I care to protect Little One too much. I care about motherhood and family too much. I care too much to walk in the shadows while pretending that the light is my friend. 

I care about motherhood and family.

I care about child rights.

I care about freedom.

Big Boss emails back and states that it was a misunderstanding, but that they wish me well.

I wish them well back. 

I am worth more than they have capacity to fulfill. 

I am worthy of being remembered.

I am worthy of good, hard work, 

I am worthy of honest pay.

I am worthy of a warm, protected home. 

I am worthy of leadership and loyalty.

I am worthy.

Boundaries are important. They help protect us from unworthy souls. They help us remember that we are all just trying our best.

I wish you all well. May your communication strengthen. May you'r jealous hearts find comfort in your roles, that you will not be threatened by others who find their way into your establishment. 

I wish you well. I wish me well.

May this winter prove to be warmer than usual.

May all the homelessness find shelter this winter.

May humanity find love this winter.

-A

Create. Grow. Change. Freedom.