Thursday, April 11, 2013
*My Story**Chapter Three*
As I looked up into the sky, late one afternoon, I wondered where God was at that very moment. Was he noticing my reflective mood and wanting to communicate with me or was he busy with the millions of other people who are less fortunate than I? He was with me, He always is. In fact he is always with all of his righteous sons and daughters. I sat up from the summer grass for a moment to scribble in my journal, I love to journal, than began to reflect once more on the decision I was about to make. God... Is Marshal the man I am meant to marry?
Yes I had only known Marshal for a short time but already it felt like we would be happy together. We could go dancing together as I have always had a passion for dance and Marshal had that same passion for dance only just West Coast Swing. I didn't mind what style of dance just as long as we danced. We could travel together to places like Spain and Norway. I have always dreamt of being in the heart of Spain learning of there culture and falling in love with serving the people. Marshal had an adopted sister who had taken him to Norway once and he desperately wanted to go back. He even had a tattoo in Norwegian which read "wisdom, courage, serenity" We could grow closer to God together, that was the most exciting aspect of choosing Marshal as my husband. I wanted to have an eternal love with someone I trusted and I trusted Marshal. He was always there for me, always talking to me, always wanting to be close with me through skype. I was growing closer to God and Marshal and I loved waking up each day to both so ingrained in my heart.
There was something about Marshal that I just could not understand. One night in July right before he came out to propose I felt the need to allow my fiance to understand more of my spotted past. I had not always chosen the right in regards to the law of chastity but I had still saved my virtue for only one man, my future husband. Regardless of me saving that most precious part of me I had sinned in other ways and felt the need to allow Marshal to understand all of me. He was outraged and let me know it. I took a walk so as not to alarm my parents as Marshal continued to rip me to shreds with his words. I was a numb mess with endless tears as he made me feel terrible for all the things I had ever done in my life. "I have repented Marshal, I have taken all to the bishop and I have been found worthy and clean, why is my past, which had nothing to do with you, so hard for you to forgive and still love me through?" He told me he could not stand the thought of me with other men and that he did not think he could be married to someone who had messed up in life. I was devastated, heartbroken, a piece of trash on the side of the curb ready to be swept up by the garbage truck. As I sat on the curb I told Marshal "You are not the man I have come to love if you truly feel this way, I have repented of my sins and have always been completely honest with you. It is your choice to let this tear us apart or to get over yourself and not be so judgmental." He just continued to make me feel worse about myself saying that I had led him to believe I was a better person than I was and that he did not know if he could move past this. "Than I will not marry you Marshal, for I need someone who can love me unconditionally and you obviously deserve someone better than me." That seemed to calm him down and he began to change his mind saying " As long as this is all the truth and there is no more surprises than I can marry you and I can forgive you for this."
How could someone be so perfect? Marshal had really never fooled around with anyone, had never gotten drunk with his friends and never tried drugs? Something did not sit right in my soul but I was not sure why. My fiance really was a wonderful person. He had his moments of red blooded anger but he had good reason. For he had served as an American Army Ranger and had seen more blood and carnage than any human being should be able to see and still be semi normal. I was ready for the challenge of being with a man with so much baggage and I needed to just remember that he loved me and that we could work on it together.
Marshal came out the weekend of July 12-14 the 12 being my birthday. My heart was filled with joy at the thought of being able to celebrate my birthday with him. However, his flight made it to Salt Lake at 1 am on the 13th and so missed my birthday. I was disappointed but knew that it was just his delayed flight to blame. We went to his hotel room and cuddle together just giggling and talking about how much we had missed each other. He talked about a few training exercises that his team had been through and that they might be going on a mission sometime in the next few weeks. My heart sank but I did not say anything knowing that it would upset him. I wanted him to know how much I supported him in case he decided to stay in the job. Than I mentioned that I needed my engagement ring for our engagement pictures tomorrow and he just teased and said "But what if I want to give it to you Sunday before I leave?" I could not wait and I made it known " Marshal, please? I am so excited to be wearing your ring! Please don't make me wait till Sunday." He said he would think about it and started talking about other things. He was stalling ;) I knew the sight well and patiently went along with his game until he finally took the ring from his curled up hand and asked me to marry him. I started to cry and said YES! I smiled with happiness as he slipped the ruby ring onto my left hand. It was official, official and it felt so good.
The next morning he dressed in his AC U's and we headed off to the Cook family reunion/ engagement shoot at Jordanelle Reservoir. It was so much fun! The family had all brought yummy food, played fun games, and best of all we took some paddle boats on the water. My cousin Ashley Rubisch agreed to take our engagement photos and what fun they were to take. At the end of the day Marshal said he did not want to stay for the fireworks due to his PTSD but that it was up to me. I wanted to stay so badly, for firework shows are my favorite but I also did not want Marshal to suffer. I was not deciding so Marshal got frustrated with me and said lets just go back to the hotel. I agreed and we left. When we finally made it back I was so tired that I fell asleep in his arms and he was sweet to let me rest. When I woke up several hours later I asked if he had fallen asleep too but he had not. "I don't sleep well because of everything I have been through, but I stayed right here by your side the whole time." I knew it would not be a good idea to tempt ourselves and have me stay the night even with two beds in the room so I stayed a little past midnight and than headed home. The next morning I picked him up and went back to my parents place to visit and to let him say goodbye to everyone before I took him to the airport. Ah! Was he leaving already? Alas, he was and it was bitter sweet. Marshal and I had talked about trying to save as much money as possible for our wedding and so had agreed to not fly out and visit one another until it was time for our wedding.
Sometimes love can grow fonder from a distance and so we had faith that this would be our case as we took our journey till the final hour......**To be Continued**
Yes I had only known Marshal for a short time but already it felt like we would be happy together. We could go dancing together as I have always had a passion for dance and Marshal had that same passion for dance only just West Coast Swing. I didn't mind what style of dance just as long as we danced. We could travel together to places like Spain and Norway. I have always dreamt of being in the heart of Spain learning of there culture and falling in love with serving the people. Marshal had an adopted sister who had taken him to Norway once and he desperately wanted to go back. He even had a tattoo in Norwegian which read "wisdom, courage, serenity" We could grow closer to God together, that was the most exciting aspect of choosing Marshal as my husband. I wanted to have an eternal love with someone I trusted and I trusted Marshal. He was always there for me, always talking to me, always wanting to be close with me through skype. I was growing closer to God and Marshal and I loved waking up each day to both so ingrained in my heart.
There was something about Marshal that I just could not understand. One night in July right before he came out to propose I felt the need to allow my fiance to understand more of my spotted past. I had not always chosen the right in regards to the law of chastity but I had still saved my virtue for only one man, my future husband. Regardless of me saving that most precious part of me I had sinned in other ways and felt the need to allow Marshal to understand all of me. He was outraged and let me know it. I took a walk so as not to alarm my parents as Marshal continued to rip me to shreds with his words. I was a numb mess with endless tears as he made me feel terrible for all the things I had ever done in my life. "I have repented Marshal, I have taken all to the bishop and I have been found worthy and clean, why is my past, which had nothing to do with you, so hard for you to forgive and still love me through?" He told me he could not stand the thought of me with other men and that he did not think he could be married to someone who had messed up in life. I was devastated, heartbroken, a piece of trash on the side of the curb ready to be swept up by the garbage truck. As I sat on the curb I told Marshal "You are not the man I have come to love if you truly feel this way, I have repented of my sins and have always been completely honest with you. It is your choice to let this tear us apart or to get over yourself and not be so judgmental." He just continued to make me feel worse about myself saying that I had led him to believe I was a better person than I was and that he did not know if he could move past this. "Than I will not marry you Marshal, for I need someone who can love me unconditionally and you obviously deserve someone better than me." That seemed to calm him down and he began to change his mind saying " As long as this is all the truth and there is no more surprises than I can marry you and I can forgive you for this."
How could someone be so perfect? Marshal had really never fooled around with anyone, had never gotten drunk with his friends and never tried drugs? Something did not sit right in my soul but I was not sure why. My fiance really was a wonderful person. He had his moments of red blooded anger but he had good reason. For he had served as an American Army Ranger and had seen more blood and carnage than any human being should be able to see and still be semi normal. I was ready for the challenge of being with a man with so much baggage and I needed to just remember that he loved me and that we could work on it together.
Marshal came out the weekend of July 12-14 the 12 being my birthday. My heart was filled with joy at the thought of being able to celebrate my birthday with him. However, his flight made it to Salt Lake at 1 am on the 13th and so missed my birthday. I was disappointed but knew that it was just his delayed flight to blame. We went to his hotel room and cuddle together just giggling and talking about how much we had missed each other. He talked about a few training exercises that his team had been through and that they might be going on a mission sometime in the next few weeks. My heart sank but I did not say anything knowing that it would upset him. I wanted him to know how much I supported him in case he decided to stay in the job. Than I mentioned that I needed my engagement ring for our engagement pictures tomorrow and he just teased and said "But what if I want to give it to you Sunday before I leave?" I could not wait and I made it known " Marshal, please? I am so excited to be wearing your ring! Please don't make me wait till Sunday." He said he would think about it and started talking about other things. He was stalling ;) I knew the sight well and patiently went along with his game until he finally took the ring from his curled up hand and asked me to marry him. I started to cry and said YES! I smiled with happiness as he slipped the ruby ring onto my left hand. It was official, official and it felt so good.
The next morning he dressed in his AC U's and we headed off to the Cook family reunion/ engagement shoot at Jordanelle Reservoir. It was so much fun! The family had all brought yummy food, played fun games, and best of all we took some paddle boats on the water. My cousin Ashley Rubisch agreed to take our engagement photos and what fun they were to take. At the end of the day Marshal said he did not want to stay for the fireworks due to his PTSD but that it was up to me. I wanted to stay so badly, for firework shows are my favorite but I also did not want Marshal to suffer. I was not deciding so Marshal got frustrated with me and said lets just go back to the hotel. I agreed and we left. When we finally made it back I was so tired that I fell asleep in his arms and he was sweet to let me rest. When I woke up several hours later I asked if he had fallen asleep too but he had not. "I don't sleep well because of everything I have been through, but I stayed right here by your side the whole time." I knew it would not be a good idea to tempt ourselves and have me stay the night even with two beds in the room so I stayed a little past midnight and than headed home. The next morning I picked him up and went back to my parents place to visit and to let him say goodbye to everyone before I took him to the airport. Ah! Was he leaving already? Alas, he was and it was bitter sweet. Marshal and I had talked about trying to save as much money as possible for our wedding and so had agreed to not fly out and visit one another until it was time for our wedding.
Sometimes love can grow fonder from a distance and so we had faith that this would be our case as we took our journey till the final hour......**To be Continued**
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
*My Story**Chapter Two*
In the beginning of June I traveled down to Moab on a singles ward trip. I had gone the year before and could not wait for the fun hiking and river rafting that would take place again. On the car drive down Marshal could not stop texting me 'I love you' it was almost all he said. Is there really nothing else to say to me? I started to feel uneasy about our relationship and decided to take my doubts to the lord that weekend.
I prayed fervently every night and during the down moments of the day. I wrote my feelings in my journal, something I love to do, as well as read from the Book of Mormon. As I prayed, read and wrote I felt more and more that I should take a step back from Marshal and just focus on me. So I did. He had been called off on a mission that same weekend and at the same time I received the answer to step back, Marshal hit me with his own harsh news. Morgan, his close teammate, had been shot three times in the back. He had been able to carry her to the chopper only for her to die in his arms on the way back from where they had been. I was between a rock and a hard place. On one hand the lord had specifically told me that I should focus on myself and step back. On the other hand my current boyfriend just had one of his closest friends die in combat. I had never before been given a harder decision so I chose the one I knew had never failed me.
Marshal did not talk to me the rest of my Moab trip or the following week. When he finally did it was one of the worst days of my life. He called me up on the phone and just chewed me out for abandoning him when he had needed me most. My heart hurt like a hot piece of mettle was searing its way into it. I knew that I had chosen to leave him to grieve on his own, without the title of us being together, but had he truly thought that I had not been with him in spirit? I had prayed for him and his whole team sense it had happened. He was so angry and rightly so, I cried more that day than it felt I had in my entire life. My brother noticed how distressing the conversation had been on me and he pulled me a side after wards to make sure I was okay. Cameron has always been a very spiritually sensitive brother and I have always felt like he was my spirits twin in another life. By the spirits prompting he gave me a verbal blessing. It caught us both off guard but it was something I truly needed to hear. The Spirits Promise "You will be able to stand and look people in the eye who are angry or have hateful feelings toward you and be okay, feel at peace, be confident and be protected." I was humbled to tears and I felt the lords love for me through His words and I knew in that instant that Marshal would be the one to bring to pass that promise. I did not know how but only knew that by loving Marshal I would be given a strength I never knew I had. An eternity of learning and loving with Marshal would teach me to have that spirit of promise only very few obtain.
By the end of June our love was growing warmer and so was the weather. Marshal came down to visit for the first time the week of his birthday, June twenty sixth, it was awkward to say the least. I picked him up from the airport and was shocked at how much I was not attracted to him. He was small in size and the feelings that came over me upon seeing him for the first time, in person, were not anything like I had imagined. He gave me a Build-A-Bear that he had made to look like a United States Army Soldier and I died at how cute it was. How sweet of him! After that I took to calling Marshal honey bear :).
The drive home from the airport was more intense than any moment I have ever experienced. Marshal kept on edge and explained to me as we passed under the spaghetti bowl, a condensed over pass area right outside of Salt Lake City, that his unease was due to his months in Afghanistan(among the other places he had been with his team.) Constantly in fear of being shot at from over passes, of bombs blowing your vehicle up, meeting new people for the first time...his visits stress level was starting to dawn on me and I felt how deep his love must be if he was willing to travel so far just to take me on a date. Why did he travel so far? Why me? Why not find someone closer to him? I was uneasy with the whole meeting. I had recently been through the Airport hello's and goodbyes with Adam... Why was I doing this again so quickly after being burned?
My eyes felt wide open and feet firmly planted. I was really going to make Marshal prove himself. That night we picked up a pizza, Marshal paid, and he met my family. Marshal tended to count his steps wherever we went and kept his back to walls never keeping himself near windows. He had picked up these habits from ranger school. Something we loved doing as a couple was playing Battleship online so while in Utah we bought the board game and played with my parents! Oh! That is the most fun I have had in who knows how long. My mom and dad were on the same team and while my parents had not played in quite some time my mother could have been a professional. She almost never missed a boat which just just made us laugh in awe. Later that night, outside of the La Quinta in Midvale, I sat on the trunk of my car and marshal stood in front of me not wanting to say goodbye but knowing that it was needed as it was late and I worked in the morning. Marshal had said he would kiss me when he visited but suddenly I didn't want him to. I just felt really negatively about kissing him and when he tried I turned away. He tried once more and I only turned the other way. Really Marshal? I know we had talked about kissing when he came out to visit but if a girl turns away than its not going to happen. "Is this one of those things I need to do the marshal way?" He had told me this story of one of his commanders giving a presentation of the civilian way of doing things, the Military's way and the Marshal way. I guess with all of his training and the natural pride that Marshal has, he had made a name for himself with his out of the box thinking. The presentation follows like this: Civilians would go around the mountain, Military would go over the mountain, Marshal would go through the mountain.... well without me having much time to answer Marshal went through my mountainous barrier and kissed me. I full on pulled back but Marshal only followed me back not letting me go. Something clicked between my heart and brain as I relaxed into the kiss. With hands on either side of his face I gazed into his eyes falling, tumbling, diving into the depths of his hold on my heart.
Laying in bed that night I thought of how far away he felt and yet he was only down the street compared to Georgia! I knew that I loved him and the depth scared me, almost made me sick to think that I was letting myself trust someone I barely knew. What did I know of his life before me? Before the Army? He had a hard childhood living in a divided home with him having been adopted out into a family of other adopted kids when his own parents faced divorce. He had grown up dancing West Coast Swing and playing piano through High School. He had not found the church until he deployed to Afghanistan in 2011 and was baptized shortly after. I asked if he had ever drank or fooled around with woman what with his late start into the church and his answer was so astounding. " No, I never saw the appeal to drink and giving myself to a woman just felt like something I should save for someone special". I had a hard time believing him at first about never sleeping with a woman or being intimate in that way but over time I grew to feel how much he valued chastity and it became one of the most attractive things about him. I would have understood if he was not a virgin because he was a twenty year old man in the army who had only come across the church and its values a year or so ago. The commitment it takes to not be intimate when there is not much holding you back is honorable and I truly fell deeper in love with him for it......**To be Continued**
I prayed fervently every night and during the down moments of the day. I wrote my feelings in my journal, something I love to do, as well as read from the Book of Mormon. As I prayed, read and wrote I felt more and more that I should take a step back from Marshal and just focus on me. So I did. He had been called off on a mission that same weekend and at the same time I received the answer to step back, Marshal hit me with his own harsh news. Morgan, his close teammate, had been shot three times in the back. He had been able to carry her to the chopper only for her to die in his arms on the way back from where they had been. I was between a rock and a hard place. On one hand the lord had specifically told me that I should focus on myself and step back. On the other hand my current boyfriend just had one of his closest friends die in combat. I had never before been given a harder decision so I chose the one I knew had never failed me.
Marshal did not talk to me the rest of my Moab trip or the following week. When he finally did it was one of the worst days of my life. He called me up on the phone and just chewed me out for abandoning him when he had needed me most. My heart hurt like a hot piece of mettle was searing its way into it. I knew that I had chosen to leave him to grieve on his own, without the title of us being together, but had he truly thought that I had not been with him in spirit? I had prayed for him and his whole team sense it had happened. He was so angry and rightly so, I cried more that day than it felt I had in my entire life. My brother noticed how distressing the conversation had been on me and he pulled me a side after wards to make sure I was okay. Cameron has always been a very spiritually sensitive brother and I have always felt like he was my spirits twin in another life. By the spirits prompting he gave me a verbal blessing. It caught us both off guard but it was something I truly needed to hear. The Spirits Promise "You will be able to stand and look people in the eye who are angry or have hateful feelings toward you and be okay, feel at peace, be confident and be protected." I was humbled to tears and I felt the lords love for me through His words and I knew in that instant that Marshal would be the one to bring to pass that promise. I did not know how but only knew that by loving Marshal I would be given a strength I never knew I had. An eternity of learning and loving with Marshal would teach me to have that spirit of promise only very few obtain.
By the end of June our love was growing warmer and so was the weather. Marshal came down to visit for the first time the week of his birthday, June twenty sixth, it was awkward to say the least. I picked him up from the airport and was shocked at how much I was not attracted to him. He was small in size and the feelings that came over me upon seeing him for the first time, in person, were not anything like I had imagined. He gave me a Build-A-Bear that he had made to look like a United States Army Soldier and I died at how cute it was. How sweet of him! After that I took to calling Marshal honey bear :).
The drive home from the airport was more intense than any moment I have ever experienced. Marshal kept on edge and explained to me as we passed under the spaghetti bowl, a condensed over pass area right outside of Salt Lake City, that his unease was due to his months in Afghanistan(among the other places he had been with his team.) Constantly in fear of being shot at from over passes, of bombs blowing your vehicle up, meeting new people for the first time...his visits stress level was starting to dawn on me and I felt how deep his love must be if he was willing to travel so far just to take me on a date. Why did he travel so far? Why me? Why not find someone closer to him? I was uneasy with the whole meeting. I had recently been through the Airport hello's and goodbyes with Adam... Why was I doing this again so quickly after being burned?
My eyes felt wide open and feet firmly planted. I was really going to make Marshal prove himself. That night we picked up a pizza, Marshal paid, and he met my family. Marshal tended to count his steps wherever we went and kept his back to walls never keeping himself near windows. He had picked up these habits from ranger school. Something we loved doing as a couple was playing Battleship online so while in Utah we bought the board game and played with my parents! Oh! That is the most fun I have had in who knows how long. My mom and dad were on the same team and while my parents had not played in quite some time my mother could have been a professional. She almost never missed a boat which just just made us laugh in awe. Later that night, outside of the La Quinta in Midvale, I sat on the trunk of my car and marshal stood in front of me not wanting to say goodbye but knowing that it was needed as it was late and I worked in the morning. Marshal had said he would kiss me when he visited but suddenly I didn't want him to. I just felt really negatively about kissing him and when he tried I turned away. He tried once more and I only turned the other way. Really Marshal? I know we had talked about kissing when he came out to visit but if a girl turns away than its not going to happen. "Is this one of those things I need to do the marshal way?" He had told me this story of one of his commanders giving a presentation of the civilian way of doing things, the Military's way and the Marshal way. I guess with all of his training and the natural pride that Marshal has, he had made a name for himself with his out of the box thinking. The presentation follows like this: Civilians would go around the mountain, Military would go over the mountain, Marshal would go through the mountain.... well without me having much time to answer Marshal went through my mountainous barrier and kissed me. I full on pulled back but Marshal only followed me back not letting me go. Something clicked between my heart and brain as I relaxed into the kiss. With hands on either side of his face I gazed into his eyes falling, tumbling, diving into the depths of his hold on my heart.
Laying in bed that night I thought of how far away he felt and yet he was only down the street compared to Georgia! I knew that I loved him and the depth scared me, almost made me sick to think that I was letting myself trust someone I barely knew. What did I know of his life before me? Before the Army? He had a hard childhood living in a divided home with him having been adopted out into a family of other adopted kids when his own parents faced divorce. He had grown up dancing West Coast Swing and playing piano through High School. He had not found the church until he deployed to Afghanistan in 2011 and was baptized shortly after. I asked if he had ever drank or fooled around with woman what with his late start into the church and his answer was so astounding. " No, I never saw the appeal to drink and giving myself to a woman just felt like something I should save for someone special". I had a hard time believing him at first about never sleeping with a woman or being intimate in that way but over time I grew to feel how much he valued chastity and it became one of the most attractive things about him. I would have understood if he was not a virgin because he was a twenty year old man in the army who had only come across the church and its values a year or so ago. The commitment it takes to not be intimate when there is not much holding you back is honorable and I truly fell deeper in love with him for it......**To be Continued**
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