I sat there looking at my computer screen in utter and complete emptiness. Why was Marshal a Ranger, why did he have to get deployed so often and why was my heart hurting so badly now that he was gone on one of those missions? My computer screen lit up again as I moved my finger across the square pad. I clicked refresh on the YouTube video on U.S Military Rangers I had already watched and tried to watch it again, doing anything I could to feel closer to him and wishing that he was just home safe. Why had they sent him to China? Was there really so much going on in the world behind our backs that we would need to send troops into Northern China to take someone down? My mind was numb and I felt sick to my stomach. I cannot count how many times I started a text and just never sent it to him. What is an appropriate text for someone who just had to kill people? " Hey honey! How was your trip? Hope you all survived!" ....No I had no idea whatsoever so I just settled into trying to dig up dirt through news articles and for some reason I thought I actually might find something on why his team had been sent there. I can be so naive. Why could I not sleep, how many missions had he been on and I could sleep just fine. I would of course worry but could talk myself into knowing that he would be just fine. My tummy was in knots and my mind going a mile a minute. I finally caved and shot him a text...."I miss you..Cant sleep." I regretted not being stronger for him, but I could not be dishonest with the man I was going to marry and knew that holding my tongue would be the deepest wrong I could do to him. It took a few moments but he responded with worry and care. I explained that I worried for him and that I felt uneasy. He than called me. He tried to say that he would drop the mission and come home to me, that his team would be alright and that I was more important. My mind shot out at me...'He can just leave? what? How is that possible? yes leave, be safe.' I wanted to keep him safe from more PTSD from more heartache more loss. I told him he should stay that I would be okay and that his team needed him. we hung up the phone and I was finally able to drift off to sleep.
In the morning I woke up to what I had feared, someone had died. Marshals best teammate and battle buddy had passed away during there night raid. She had come through a doorway and shot a mother holding a child. The child had fallen to the floor, the woman in her over come her years of training and she rushed to grab the baby without finishing her sweep of the room. she was shot several times through the neck and while Marshal did everything he could to try and save her a neck wound will always finish a person off. Instantly the guilt set in. I was so selfish to have consumed his thoughts and time while he should have been with his team. Could he have possibly helped Kelly from that awful fate had his mind been more on the mission and less on me? I pushed it from my mind as I remembered that all things are done unto the lord and that his will is not always easily understood. I prayed that I had not been the one to distracted Marshal from better protecting Kelly. I tried so hard to be there emotionally for Marshal and he tried to let me in but this was his hardest hour with her passing and he started to shut me out. He filled his time with more drills, more work outs and more ranges. This experience helped me see just how much he loved his team and it brought me to think could I truly ask him to leave his team behind for me? Is Marshal marrying me the best thing for him and if so could I ever live a life with him being an active Ranger?
He finally let me in enough to help him through his grief and I was just so relieved to see him allowing me to help. I don't consider myself the expert on marriage but I know enough to say that in marriage you need openness, complete and utter trust and honesty, unashamed love and a willingness to try for the other person. I saw signs of those things in Marshal and it helped me know that we could make it through anything. He was my Marshal. My one. My only.
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