Looking to the Past

Is it wrong to want to go back in time to the very first guy who ever kissed you and tell him no, to not only say no to him but to take back all the men you gave your love too? I have wished this for myself many a time. Tonight is a harder night for me in my recovery process. Not one of the hardest but one of the more lonely and sad ones. My heart aches for the known, for the love of someone who I can trust. The love of a man who will not make me feel afraid, emotionally put in a corner or abandoned. Looking back from the very first boy I ever kissed on to now I feel that they all took a part of me and disappeared into nothing leaving me feeling broken and a lone. I keep wanting a man like Prince Charming. One who has the courage of a lion, the strength of honesty and true fairy tale love. The only thing is Prince Charming in all his "perfection" is not real or in anyway something I will ever find. I want a man who is honest and true, who would make good decisions and want someone who has a testimony of Christ like I do. I want a true man of God. A man searching for perfection because he wants to be like Christ and is following in his way. Sadly for me I do not have Faith anymore that a man such as this exists...(after all I really cannot marry my brothers ;P.) If this stalwart man did exist would he find me attractive enough, smart enough, noble enough, classy enough, fun enough, quiet enough, loud enough and loving enough. I have been through so much hurt and pain but it was all mostly brought upon myself. I was silly enough to believe that if I chased after love long enough that it would find me in the end ready for a happily ever after of my own and that I would be blessed with a beautiful family that would bring me eternal happiness. Instead I was found unready, deep in a whole, with a man who did not love me, without those promises I so thought I had. I took leap of faith after leap of faith hoping and praying that that guy I had just met was the one I was meant to start a family with. I did not know how to recognize a red flag warning me to get away from a dangerous guy any more than I would have known that I needed to stop looking for love. Even now after all the heartache I have faced from my burnt up marriage I still have those urgent feelings to run to the next guy who will give me attention and let him calm my fears and stop the hurt for a short while. Dating for me has become cursed in some ways. I have the most strong desire to start a family and be closer to the lord through those blessings but the only way that I can truly heal and find a healthier way of living with myself and the future men who might date me, is to give myself the time to heal. Healing brings up another point that has come to bother me. If I am healed from the many mistakes and heartaches that plague my memory, will I than find someone who will not brake me again. A man who will live up to his priesthood responsibilities and not let me down. I need to find my faith in men again. In the abilities to love that they have and the ways they can treat people if they choose to follow Christs example. I find it incredible that I can even still jump right back into wanting to like someone again. Into wanting love again. I still have my unabashed sense to love and that brings me hope. It also brings me a very strong sense of self preservation which is going to be hard for most people to understand. I feel the need to protect the love inside of me just in case I am able to find a man worthy of it. I cannot truly say that I think I will ever re marry for as of now I do not want to live with the fear that he will turn out to be less than I previously new him to be. I have much healing to do I know that but I also know that it will be a slow process, one that will take my time and energy to keep me going strong. 

With Marshal I never knew what his motives where so I just started to trust him with blind faith and all the love I had inside of me. We often would take long walks together just holding hands and talking and I never once was made to feel like he did not love me. In fact he was good at making me feel like the most loved woman in the world...or at least i felt that way. How was I to know that he had roaming eyes and a false heart when he would speak of wanting to spend every waking moment with me and would come home early from work just to be with me. For the first month of our marriage we lived in a Great Value hotel. I stayed home all day while he took the car to work. I only got outside when I ventured out to the parking lot for a walk. We did not have much money for "fun" activities so we just spent time watching movies on his computer or going to the Walmart and walking around. Even with a simple life style I was happy because I felt loved and I was with the man I had chosen to marry for all time and eternity. To be completely honest I think that Marshal really tried to make me happy and to leave his dirty, evil ways in the past but they were to deeply rooted for him to really leave behind and as time passed by he fell back into old habits. Life would have been simple for us; Simple but good.