Dear No One

As some of you may already know my ex-husband was re-married to a woman named Rachael in July....we were legally divorced in August. I tossed and turned over whether or not I needed to play the white knight roll and save the "new" damsel in distress but than I realized that I had no idea if she was actually in distress yet or if she ever would be. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I know my experience with Marshal Anthony but I don't know her story or her personality for that matter. She could be just as messed up as him and they could actually be happy together....for Rachael's sake I really have been praying that she is happy and that if she does ever need saving from him that she will find the help she needs. Something that I pride myself on is that I was one of the only women ( that I know of) who stood up to him and who he could not mess with after the fact. I walked away and haven't talked to him since.

Sure, it hurt like hell that he could re-marry like it means nothing to him, what we had together, but that is just it, to Marshal Anthony marriage means absolutely nothing. To prove my statement is more than true his new wife is wearing MY wedding ring. I was always raised to fight with everything I had for marriage and that no matter what happened as long as the both of us had the Lord everything would work out in the end. Well when I realized that it was just me and the Lord fighting for everything we had I focused more on my survival both spiritually and physically and I took it far away from him and I will never go back to that place again. 

I can see the rush he might have felt to re-marry so quickly, after everything that happened the pain felt like it was endlessly eternal and that nothing I did or didn't do would take it away. I don't want to numb the pain or chase it away or even ignore it. I don't want to mask it with another man and there is no way that I would go find the first man to show me attention and marry him (sorry fellas ;)). 

Jesus Christ didn't run away from his bitter cup he patiently waited in a peaceful garden praying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" Luke 22:42. Now, by no means am I anything close to being compared to Christ's perfect example but I look to him for guidance and found refuge in his experience. I can be okay as long as I face my pains head on and not faltering as they pass through, I know that as Christ over came the ultimate pain I can have a hope of the same thing. 
As Tori Kelly says it best in her new single "Dear No One"
"but sometimes I just want somebody to hold, someone to give me the jacket, when it's cold got that young love even when we're old. Yes, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand, pick me up, hold me close, be my man. I will love you till the end. So if you're out there I swear be good to you.. but I'm done lookin' for my future someone. Cuz when the time is right you'll be here but for now dear no one this is your love song."
As time goes on I have felt a healing in my heart that no one other than Christ could have put there. His atonement is REAL and lives inside each of us we just need experiences to draw it out of us and allow us to use it on a regular basis. Christ did not suffer on the cross for us to selfishly say to him 'I can do it on my own, thanks' by using drugs or alcohol or by even ignoring our pain and moving on too quickly. I pray every day that I can remain strong enough to continue to get to know myself and my limits that I will always turn to the savior first in my experiences whether for joy or for pain I am married to Christ in a manner of speaking because he is inside of me and has allowed me this second chance at living a life I did not think I had.

I am loved, you are loved... live life the way that makes you happiest. When have you had the truest smile on your face, the most peaceful feeling or even just an assured knowledge that you are exactly where you are supposed to be? I try to keep log of those moments and when I am presented with choices I take out my memories and choose the one that best suites me. Yes that means that I take a year or so off of dating, so be it... When I am holding my future family close to me with a wonderful companion by my side carefully chosen by patience, time and prayer then I will see my choice come to fruition and I will continue to thank God, Amen.

The Deadly Affair

I guess I didn't realize just how much healing would make telling my story so difficult. The more time I take to share the events of my marriage I grow farther away from remembering everything. Wonderful does not even begin to describe how angelic I feel having come this far sticking by the lords side. Hard times come, always without fail but why else are we present on this earth if not to feel and experience something that is completely unique to us? I have shared that I was married to Marshal and that he was less than he claimed to be but I have hopes to bring the arduous parts to a close that I may keep on my path of happiness and healing. I am not saying that I will not possibly come back to past memories as they come to me, after all I could not hope to have all fade from my memory so quickly as it has not even been a year sense I left Marshal, I do however have actual details to help tie up the loose ends to my life and I want to share them sooner rather than later. 

Yes I left Marshal after an afternoon that I honestly thought was my last. I remember even the last visitor we had as a couple. Not to put any strict weight on the neighbors or members of our ward but in reality I was the only one that would stand up to him. She came to drop off some relief society crafts that I had promised to help with and when she opened the door I was over come with the desire to run out of the house and get her to drive me away from him, from that house. I was hit with a realization that I had been trying to grapple with all day. I was terrified of my husband and felt a dread looming over me of what was going to happen. I had stopped thinking about tomorrow and could barely think about the next hour ahead of me. I invited her in to say hello and glancing at Marshal she kindly declined and left. I swallowed the hard knot that had formed inside of my throat and shut the door. Slowly turning around I carried the box of soaps that needed wrapping and set them down on the kitchen table. Marshal wanted to know what they were so I told him once again how I had helped make soap only last week and how they were meant for the relief society birthday party that we were planning. Planning...I than was caught up in thought of the last relief society function. I had asked for Marshals help in baby sitting the nursery for the women so that all the ladies could get to know each other. Marshal had made a scene while we tried to set up the decorations. Talking loudly about the other women and their need for decorations and on and on criticizing thing after thing, only letting his voice carry louder and louder. I was mortified. Its honestly hard enough to make friends with people in general when you move to a new place without a friend or family member to stand by but now after only a short time of trying my hardest to be friendly and be let in by these women Marshal had gone and created a very large " do not disturb sign" on my back. Looking back now I see it was his way of trying to keep me in the dark and his lies my truths. No Marshal and I had talked and knew that it would be best if he never attended one of the relief society or probably even ward functions again. I could barely get him to the three hour block for church anyway and that was exhausting work in and of itself. Our argument eventually made it outside the ward building as I was trying to not involve everyone in our personal affairs but that did not stop him from berating me loudly to people as they got out of their cars and walked into the building. when I figured out he was being a child throwing a tantrum I told him to leave and that I would find a ride home when the event was over with. I left inside and found out later that he had tried to follow me in with his gun, a friend at the time had stopped him..... I was brought back to our humble dinning room by him asking if I had forgiven him for his outburst just the other day ( separate of course from the one just described). I had not, my mind could not fathom a world in where I ever trusted him at all. I had just days before emailed a woman who I suspected of being an ex wife of Marshals. I will give her the name Becky as she wishes to not be mentioned. Marshal had passionately declared that he was a virgin before our wedding night. Becky allowed me the honor of hearing all about the way in which he had acted out his destruction on her life and how yes in fact they had been married having only gotten divorced three months before meeting me and declaring his love for only me. I felt an instant sickness well inside my stomach as I looked into his eyes. He was terrified. I could see it in his countenance and in the way he had asked the question. I answered slowly, counting my words and waiting to measure his response. "No, Marshal I have not yet forgiven you." He said that we needed to work everything out that things needed to be fixed before we went to New York to meet his family. Its true we had been married for five months and no not one of his family members came to the wedding nor had I met a single one. I knew that he was right that we needed to be on good terms in order for me to handle meeting his family but I needed answers first. I decided to just start my interrogation. "You know how your mom wanted those award letters from your service cross award and the other ones?" I started off casually with a little smile at the end not showing much enthusiasm. "Well I would really like copies as well so that we can scrap book them for our children and for me I've never seen them or even a picture of your Ranger team for that matter." He said he understood and that although he didn't like keeping memories of his fallen team he would do it for me if I really wanted him too. He had a dental appointment and said he would stop by the ED center to get them printed off on his way there. "No, Marshal I want to see them now can you pull them up on your computer." He squinted his eyes at me trying to find out my angle while I just stared back."I will get them printed off while I'm out okay!" It wasn't okay, I had seen Marshal use photo shop and knew that if I gave him time he would fabricate something. I told him that I knew he was good at photo shop and that I did not trust him. "I want to see some proof that you were a Ranger that you graduated bomb school and that you have done the things you say you have done." He ( best I can remember) tried to find words that would satisfy me but anything I asked about his past and about proof being supplied to back up the things he did find to say was being met with dismay and a growing red face. He slammed his hands down on the table and yelled, " Aimee, what is all this about, you don't believe your husband?" "No I don't." At that very moment there were only a handful of things that I did actually believe and I wasted no time in telling him what they were. " Marshal I believe that you are a liar, I believe that you were never a Ranger. I believe that you never graduated bomb school and I believe that you were not a virgin when we got married. I believe that you where married to Becky and that I was not your first wife." " NO!!! Becky was my sisters best friend and I talked to her to honor my late sisters memory that is all. I have told you that before. My sister wanted us to date and so I took her on a few dates, we talked about this just a few nights ago I told you everything about how it was a stupid young love crush and that I had stopped talking to her for good to better honor you, my wife... my everything." Oh great... he was reverting to the sweet talk again. In a fight Marshal would either get really angry and make like he was going to beat the shit out of me or he would sweet talk me into being intimate with him... either way I was always left feeling sick and empty afterwards. "Marshal I emailed Becky.. .she told me everything so how about you try telling me again what happened, maybe the truth with slip out this time." I had gathered a lot of courage to say these things to him and knew I was walking on thin ice with his temper but couldn't help myself what with finally getting somewhere in the search for truth. He slammed his hands down on the table again only with grater force, jaw tensing up, chest moving slowly up and down and eyes fixed on mine he spoke through gritted teeth as he continued to 'stick' to his story of being a virgin and having only ever slept with me. "I know that you are lying Marshal and its really sad that you are because we could have been happy together." I had finally said the magic words to spark the fire cracker that had been waiting to go off inside of him. He lunged across the room at me as I stood up to leave. He grabbed my shoulders and started with force to make me stay put. As I struggled to leave it only enraged him more. He wrapped his left arm around my neck and held my mouth and nose tight with his right hand as he brought me down to the ground. To get me to hold still better he proceeded to get on top of me putting his whole weight into it the whole while telling me to shut up and that this time was my last. "I am going to kill you, Aimee, DO YOU HEAR ME??? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AIMEE." I felt my lungs thrashing out for air.. and my legs where kicking against his weight trying to wiggle enough to get at least my nose free. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to call out for help but his grip was so tight that I could only hear inaudible noise escaping. I prayed to my Heavenly Father in that moment knowing that the only way I could receive help now was from Him. I felt my soul screaming up to Him, to anyone listening, I needed help. 
When the Military Police asked me how I got free from him I had no answer for them. I had immaculate memory when it came to every other detail of what happened but how I had made it from the farthest point of the room from the back door to that very door and in enough time to open it and scream for help before he grabbed me again I will never fully know..But I don't need to because I know that it was God. His grace is sufficient for me and I have an unashamed faith in my savior; He saved my life that day and I am in awe at his love for me.

Leaf of Optimism (Edited: 02/20/2023)

The leaf of optimism

                  between fingertips                 

and the scrunch of shoulder blades
spin, 

          spin, 

                    spin, 

                                    reach.

The flex of my foot and the arch of my back. 
Heart pounding,

               wrists exposed I
                                             reach my limit just as I'm forced into the air.
Due to a lack of oxygen 

I need the extra levels of ozone to express 

Just how sweet the air tastes 

                                                  when it is not dripping with

self doubt, 

pain, and 

the negative voices in my head. 

Dance is exhilarating, unable to fix decisions from past trials, 

It allows me to breathe in the freshness of time. 

Time is sweet and cherished.
Time allows patience to make amends.
Time is a friend ticking,

                                and ticking.
My toe brushes the floor,

Continuing to tease the moments that time allows us to capture. 

The leaf of optimism turns over and over as my body gracefully comes to its conclusion. 

For now. 

                                                -A