Dear No One

As some of you may already know my ex-husband was re-married to a woman named Rachael in July....we were legally divorced in August. I tossed and turned over whether or not I needed to play the white knight roll and save the "new" damsel in distress but than I realized that I had no idea if she was actually in distress yet or if she ever would be. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I know my experience with Marshal Anthony but I don't know her story or her personality for that matter. She could be just as messed up as him and they could actually be happy together....for Rachael's sake I really have been praying that she is happy and that if she does ever need saving from him that she will find the help she needs. Something that I pride myself on is that I was one of the only women ( that I know of) who stood up to him and who he could not mess with after the fact. I walked away and haven't talked to him since.

Sure, it hurt like hell that he could re-marry like it means nothing to him, what we had together, but that is just it, to Marshal Anthony marriage means absolutely nothing. To prove my statement is more than true his new wife is wearing MY wedding ring. I was always raised to fight with everything I had for marriage and that no matter what happened as long as the both of us had the Lord everything would work out in the end. Well when I realized that it was just me and the Lord fighting for everything we had I focused more on my survival both spiritually and physically and I took it far away from him and I will never go back to that place again. 

I can see the rush he might have felt to re-marry so quickly, after everything that happened the pain felt like it was endlessly eternal and that nothing I did or didn't do would take it away. I don't want to numb the pain or chase it away or even ignore it. I don't want to mask it with another man and there is no way that I would go find the first man to show me attention and marry him (sorry fellas ;)). 

Jesus Christ didn't run away from his bitter cup he patiently waited in a peaceful garden praying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" Luke 22:42. Now, by no means am I anything close to being compared to Christ's perfect example but I look to him for guidance and found refuge in his experience. I can be okay as long as I face my pains head on and not faltering as they pass through, I know that as Christ over came the ultimate pain I can have a hope of the same thing. 
As Tori Kelly says it best in her new single "Dear No One"
"but sometimes I just want somebody to hold, someone to give me the jacket, when it's cold got that young love even when we're old. Yes, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand, pick me up, hold me close, be my man. I will love you till the end. So if you're out there I swear be good to you.. but I'm done lookin' for my future someone. Cuz when the time is right you'll be here but for now dear no one this is your love song."
As time goes on I have felt a healing in my heart that no one other than Christ could have put there. His atonement is REAL and lives inside each of us we just need experiences to draw it out of us and allow us to use it on a regular basis. Christ did not suffer on the cross for us to selfishly say to him 'I can do it on my own, thanks' by using drugs or alcohol or by even ignoring our pain and moving on too quickly. I pray every day that I can remain strong enough to continue to get to know myself and my limits that I will always turn to the savior first in my experiences whether for joy or for pain I am married to Christ in a manner of speaking because he is inside of me and has allowed me this second chance at living a life I did not think I had.

I am loved, you are loved... live life the way that makes you happiest. When have you had the truest smile on your face, the most peaceful feeling or even just an assured knowledge that you are exactly where you are supposed to be? I try to keep log of those moments and when I am presented with choices I take out my memories and choose the one that best suites me. Yes that means that I take a year or so off of dating, so be it... When I am holding my future family close to me with a wonderful companion by my side carefully chosen by patience, time and prayer then I will see my choice come to fruition and I will continue to thank God, Amen.