Motherhood, Fatherhood; Autumn Equinox

     Tonight, we celebrate with incense, watercolors on paper, and gratitude for a safe, sleeping cat. Last Friday, Nova wasn't waiting by the door to be let in for breakfast. I became frantic. Where is my child? Why did I allow her out last night - damn what she wants - if I ever find her, she's never going outside without me again. 

God, please let me find her...alive. 

    Tonight, she has successfully begun moving about the room despite a lame left leg. Currently, she is curled up -asleep, which hasn't happened since before her mysterious accident that left her highly traumatized, unable to eat, walk, or play. 

    Parenthood is a hard profession, only made harder when done as a single parent. 

    Last night, I walked outside to throw out the soiled cardboard she had peed on. She is barely able to get herself into the litter box pan, without assistance, she didn't quite make it all the way in. I live for moments to serve her. I live for moments to hold her, to sing to her, to remind her that I am here and that I love her. 

    A shooting star flew across the sky straight in front of me. To my right the large beautiful half moon rose up over the mountains. I felt my heart jump start - Something amazing is on its way. 

    As I dive deeper into therapy, as I learn more about why my brain forgets why we left one room and entered another. Why I leave the house and second guess if Ive locked up properly. Why we have memories that keep us from dream filled, peacefully sleep. Why pieces of us are living in the shadows created by the rays of light that shoot from our fingertips. 

    I understand why I will never find a healthy man to occupy the empty fatherhood seat at our table - Never find him, hold him, cherish him, because our father chose to betray us, our mother, and himself. 

    As we seek to embrace our darker pieces, never to shame them again - Our light filled pieces finding comfort and understanding within a balanced whole -

    we start to believe that someday, as a healed human, maybe we will find peace within fatherhood. 

    For now, I don't forgive him for harming us the way he did. I don't forgive him for casting our mother aside and choosing another woman over her, many other women. I don't forgive him for allowing us to be fostered by a family that raped, lied, stole, forced labor, sold, abused. All behind the guise of a light filled, love-centered home. 

    I do not forgive my foster parents for choosing to participate in the satanic darkness that plagues them. 

    I do not forgive my foster siblings for participating, for turning a blind eye, for accepting the bribes. I do not forgive them for stealing my children from my womb, to raise them as their own, 

    in front of my blind eyes. 

    I do not forgive the traumatized boys that have lied about committing to forever with me, and then choosing to walk away. I do not forgive them because they chose cowardice, instead of becoming a warrior - to grow and heal along side me. 

    I do not forgive the men and women that have actively participated in raping, selling, and stealing from me. 

    I do, however, choose to forgive those, including myself, who were groomed from infancy to participate in evil. I forgive myself, and all others who did not understand the veil of smoke that clouded the mirror in front of us. 

    I forgive us, and I champion us for choosing to clear the smoke, look the mirror dead straight in the face and choose to be a warrior that has the strength to swim upstream. Like Kitty in Monsters Inc. Who chooses to protect Boo instead of terrifying her. Kitty chose to be a protector and with the help of a trusted friend, he set about changing the world he resided in. He did not back down when it became difficult - he did not turn from protector to abuser. He got creative, embraced change, led with love, and helped the whole company understand that laughter was more powerful than screams. 

.

    They say that God goes by many names. I go by many names, not because I cannot decide who I am, or because I want some to know me by one name, and not another. 

    I go by many names because of life long human trafficking disguised as "family". I go by many names because trauma has spliced me into thousands of pieces. Pieces that are real, have their own identities, likes and dislikes. 

    The experts call this Dissociative Identity Disorder.  The Bible calls it, "God, Elohim, Adonai, El Shaddai, Jehovah Rapha"....etc. 

    I used to have big questions about where we come from. I never knew at that time that I was a foster child. As I have learned more about me - my questions have turned from questioning our creation to learning to ask questions within - To call all my pieces to the table and give them chances to speak up about their lived experiences. Allowing them to fill me in on our missing time, the pieces of our lives that we cannot remember, has brought a new level of peace to our lives. A fresh understanding of where our deep grief, hate, anger, depression, and suicidal ideations come from. 

    I have heard it said that the dark cannot exist without the light. 

   This is not an excuse for darkness to abuse without the light paying attention and casting its rays upon it. 

    Light can be warm, healing, and show us the way. It can also be harsh, un yielding, and burn. 

    Shadows can be cool, a relief from harsh rays, and allow us to rest. Darkness can be cold, withholding, and filled with relentless depth - a way to lose ourselves. 

Today, I am most grateful for days and nights filled with balance as we experience within the Autumn Equinox. For a period of time, shadows do not dominate the light, and light does not out will the darkness. They exist within harmony of each other. 

    May we all find peace with our Fathers and Mothers; That we may become the healing we wish to see in the world. 

    May we love, cherish, hold tightly our beloved children. May all who have lost their children find them once again - someday, through the grace of God. 

    May our homes forever be sanctuaries for our loved ones to experience peace, protection, warmth, and love. 

    May shooting stars guide our deepest wishes for a balanced, healed world to the powers residing in all directions. That all the elements combine to create our glorified world. 

Someday, we will be the mother we always believed we could be and more. 

Someday, a father will heal himself enough to embrace us with his truths. 

Someday, we will have a whole, balanced family. 

-À

May you thrive in your service to others,

Create. Grow. Change. Liberty.