Selfish Justice For All

Today I was pulled back to my bed with the allure of morning psychic snuggles with a past passion flame. What I loved most about him visiting me was the great amount of respect I felt from his offer. He did not blindly take over my mind with pornographic thoughts, but rather, gently pulled me into his arms and nuzzled his nose against mine. 

A refreshing change from the past him I have known. 

The Etta James song, "Sunday Kind of Love" came to mind and after enjoying a few soft moments snuggling I turned the song on and went downstairs to do the dishes. He followed me down observing the way that I enjoy singing and dancing while I wash dishes. I never showed him this side of me. 

We never fully opened up to each other, exposing all sides of ourselves. To do that takes time, and great healing. It is un accomplishable with a one night stand; Our unfortunate first meeting. 

I am sorry for seeing him when I looked at you. For thinking of him when we intimately connected. My feelings for you eventually took their own roots growing into their own authentic feelings. The initial treachery still took place. 

I know you want forgiveness for selling us. You asked my permission to record every time we bedded each other. Each time I said, "no" I tried to trust that you were honorably listening. I desired to believe in your ability to choose me, us and freedom from the evil powers that promise temporary salvation. 

Red flags connecting you and my foster family caused fear to grow inside me. 

What is stopping me from finding a warrior that cannot be bought?

What is holding me back from having boundaries that will separate me from those who wish to enslave me in their will?

I can feel your desire to heal and to make things right. I encourage you to remove yourself of all you have gained off the sweat of others. 

Not only justice for me or for us; Justice for all. 

Come to me with nothing but your honor and your willingness to connect authentically in a space of truthful healing, desire to grow together, a creative capacity to flourish through change and I will contemplate our compatibility. 

I am working to bring deep peace to my soul. 

I wish the same for you. 

You have many qualities I admire. Sexually speaking, I do not have to explain in any large way how you satisfy me, that part came naturally. 

You are good at speaking to my soul. I fondly remember time spent talking with you, laughing with you. 

I love your drive to make something of yourself - The few moments we lightly argued on set about the way snow might or might not look in a realistic setting showed me that we have the ability to challenge each other well. 

Outside of the bedroom, I really don't know what you like about me. I do not feel secure that I was able to show you anything concrete to hold onto. Did I ever get the chance to show you anything about myself that could one day bring you back to me? 

Have I ever shown the dimensions of my soul to a lover that would draw them to fully choose me over the allure of gaining a profit off of me? 

Shadow work still left to do, I see. 

It hurt my heart when you withdrew connection and left an eternal space between us. Rihanna's "California King Bed" lyrics come to mind. It hurt when you only reached out to connect sexually and that you never saw more substance within me - or never found reasons to miss me. I used my hurt to withdraw from you in turn. Creating a boundary that stopped me from ever entering your bed again. 

If we find our way back to one another I hope we never lose our authentic voice within the process. I hope we forever challenge one another regardless of wether it ever moves to a greater level of intimacy than friendship. I hope to teach each other through the art of discussion and to spread love, peace, and blessings. 

Sending all my best,

-À

P.s. "Want to see my art?" Isn't an invitation to have sex. I actually create art and I'm very proud of it. I'm even quite selective on who I show it to. :)

P.s.s. What is something you would show me, if you ever got the chance?

11/10/2024

Two Paths Diverged in the Wood

It's the fall of 2009, I don't recall how we met, or how it began. I recall how it ended - He told me I was too wild for him. 

I only have a few memories to hold onto as proof that our short lived love affair existed. Stolen moments making out on the cream colored couch at my sisters house in Cedar City, Utah. I liked it when you wore your basket ball shorts, I'm sure you know why. A conversation about running and how you didn't understand how I could run to music with such an intense beat, you needed calmer music to run to. A vague memory of you not liking the wild way I woke up around friends. Changing from the fun-loving aunt that I usually was around my nephew. 

I can see your dark hair, taller stature, thin frame, and calm intellect. Your face is hidden from me. Every time I work to nail down facial features your face is hidden in shadows and smoke. I remember your energy and how I felt safe in your arms. 

I remember you rejecting me. 

.

Jump to Fall 2024, I am recovering from a lifetime of servitude to a world that dissected me into the smallest pieces in order to gain the largest value from me. It's wildly apparent that all the men (and some women) in my life have gained something large off of spending time with me, off of selling me. A vague memory of you passes through my mind. 

I think fondly of you and have the nerve to offer that it's possible that you exited my life quickly due to not wanting to participate in that world. The world that required the selling of souls. 

Last night your spirit visited my mind. You traveled to my home and wished to speak with me energetically. You have a debt to recover - You wish to make things right. This confuses me because of the smoke that surrounds us, you, and that time of my life. 

You help me remember; Peeling back the curtain of smoke enough for me to see that we did more sexually then I ever knew. I see the children born from my womb that Winter/Spring, at least two. My sister adopted one - Henry. The other was sold as an outside adoption. 

My body physically hurts in the here and now. My womb is on fire, symptoms of constipation, a sharp pain in my lower back and abdomen, restless legs, pressure in my anus, painful hips, hunger, and immense grief. 

My cries reached all the ends of the world; Releasing the pent up grief - My mind screamed louder at you. 

As the most painful parts passed I relaxed into a heavy depression. You wanted to make it better - you wanted to connect sexually and for everything to be okay; Kiss and make up. You want to make it all right - to be forgiven for selling our child, and abandoning me for??

Satans promise of success. 

I have spent a decade and a half being tortured by you. I am in no mood to release you from your guilt and pain. 

If you have the balls to stand before me and apologize like the warrior you wish to be. I will consider forgiving you.

-À

P.s. Where is our son?

P.s.s I like your Wild Things...

11/08/2024