Two Paths Diverged in the Wood

It's the fall of 2009, I don't recall how we met, or how it began. I recall how it ended - He told me I was too wild for him. 

I only have a few memories to hold onto as proof that our short lived love affair existed. Stolen moments making out on the cream colored couch at my sisters house in Cedar City, Utah. I liked it when you wore your basket ball shorts, I'm sure you know why. A conversation about running and how you didn't understand how I could run to music with such an intense beat, you needed calmer music to run to. A vague memory of you not liking the wild way I woke up around friends. Changing from the fun-loving aunt that I usually was around my nephew. 

I can see your dark hair, taller stature, thin frame, and calm intellect. Your face is hidden from me. Every time I work to nail down facial features your face is hidden in shadows and smoke. I remember your energy and how I felt safe in your arms. 

I remember you rejecting me. 

.

Jump to Fall 2024, I am recovering from a lifetime of servitude to a world that dissected me into the smallest pieces in order to gain the largest value from me. It's wildly apparent that all the men (and some women) in my life have gained something large off of spending time with me, off of selling me. A vague memory of you passes through my mind. 

I think fondly of you and have the nerve to offer that it's possible that you exited my life quickly due to not wanting to participate in that world. The world that required the selling of souls. 

Last night your spirit visited my mind. You traveled to my home and wished to speak with me energetically. You have a debt to recover - You wish to make things right. This confuses me because of the smoke that surrounds us, you, and that time of my life. 

You help me remember; Peeling back the curtain of smoke enough for me to see that we did more sexually then I ever knew. I see the children born from my womb that Winter/Spring, at least two. My sister adopted one - Henry. The other was sold as an outside adoption. 

My body physically hurts in the here and now. My womb is on fire, symptoms of constipation, a sharp pain in my lower back and abdomen, restless legs, pressure in my anus, painful hips, hunger, and immense grief. 

My cries reached all the ends of the world; Releasing the pent up grief - My mind screamed louder at you. 

As the most painful parts passed I relaxed into a heavy depression. You wanted to make it better - you wanted to connect sexually and for everything to be okay; Kiss and make up. You want to make it all right - to be forgiven for selling our child, and abandoning me for??

Satans promise of success. 

I have spent a decade and a half being tortured by you. I am in no mood to release you from your guilt and pain. 

If you have the balls to stand before me and apologize like the warrior you wish to be. I will consider forgiving you.

-À

P.s. Where is our son?

P.s.s I like your Wild Things...

11/08/2024