Pieces Of A Broken Past

My past has been following me around lately. Memories from my marriage hitting me at the most inconvenient times. The question that keeps hitting me is this, will my heart, mind and spirit ever be fully put back together again? The past little while I have really had a hard time feeling anything spiritual. My desire to pray vanished as if I had never prayed in my life and so could not recall the feeling of what it felt to pray. Sitting in the celestial room of the LDS Temple I felt safe but my heart was not in it. I don't know why I have lost that whole feeling I have grown so accustomed to but I have.... so now what? How do I get it back? Do I want too? 

Marshal and I were sitting on the bed, reading separately when I got up to go to the bathroom. I don't remember what we started talking about but I do recall that it upset him enough to follow me into the bathroom and start to yell at me while I was in the process of peeing. I didn't want to look at him and next thing I know he had grabbed my legs and wedging them in between his legs. He also grabbed both my wrists in his one hand and held them tight trying to force me to look at him. I still kept my head turned away so he took his free hand and grabbing my jaw forced my face inches away from his. The stubborn part of me told myself to squeeze my eyes tighter shut and the courageous part said, "Open your eyes! Face him with all that you have." I opened my eyes and found the hatred raging in his eyes, I had grown accustomed to finding it there. He whispered again to me that I could be easily disposed of and that even with all the advancements of our time, the Army had trained him better than to be caught..... I stayed silent just looking into his eyes until he had finished and had let me go. my wrist and legs ached from how tight he had held me there but didn't leave any bruises. I finished up what I had originally gone to the bathroom for and climbed into bed curling over onto my right side facing away from him as I usually slept that way. He was on his phone, we fell asleep this way. 

Marshal came home from work smelling terrible! He came at me while I was in the kitchen trying to finish dinner. I typically wore sweats and so I was on this occasion. He came from behind and put his hands down my sweats trying to start something. When I brushed him aside and said that I wasn't ready to start something he just pulled out his penis and started wiggling it at me and hitting me with it. I got him to stop by saying that I he stunk and that he had to go up and take a shower right away. He had a sour look on his face but he listened and went up and showered. later that night we went out in the car to go grocery shopping...the car smelled terrible like someone had taken a dump in my car. I mentioned it to him but he just said that it had been a long day outside and that it smelled from him getting inside the car. Later when I had left him and arrived in Utah I realized what the smell had been. He had smoked weed in my car and lied about it. 

One night we had a terrible fight. One that ended in us both yelling, me crying and Marshal leaving the house and taking my car for a drive. He came back a little while later with gummy worms and powerade.... peace offerings. I started to cry due to how nice that gesture was and noticing that it was the best sorry I was going to get decided to forgive him. He came and cuddled me to sleep and while I thought things were okay he had only wanted to make me feel safe and sound for the night. I woke up sometime early in the morning to a loud crash in our house. I was so groggy... so UN usually groggy that all I could do was partially wake up enough to notice it and fall back asleep. In the morning I saw that he had written a note on our bathroom mirror with window markers he had to have bought sometime in the night. That was the first time I found out the Marshal could sneak out of the house in the middle of the night without me knowing. That was the first time that I realized why he had been so tired each morning when he would wake up for work. It wasn't due to the fact that he had nightmares from his PTSD... it was because he was sneaking out of our house in the middle of the night and doing who knows what. It didn't hit me than, I was too naive. It did however, hit me last year sometime, when I was working on compiling all the evidence and records needed for an annulment. 

In one week from now it will be my 23 birthday. Two years to the day that he proposed to me. It is harder for me this year than it was for me last year. Does that give me hope and faith for the future? No it does not. Am I getting better with dealing with the heartache and overwhelming emotions? No I am not. I was doing so well, for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to struggle through the roughness of heartache and feeling alone. This should mean to me that I need to lean more on my savior and less on my own understanding, I am trying to do this, I really am. Just so hard to try for something that you can't truly feel deep in your heart. I think that this must have been how Marshal felt about our marriage. It was too hard for him to pretend to love me. Too hard for him to try for something that wasn't really deeply rooted in his heart. I was his bright light at the end of the tunnel. I was the promise of a bigger Army paycheck and endless sex whenever he asked for it. I was the woman who stayed home and cooked and cleaned and would have raised the children while he was the one who could come and go as he pleases plus rough up a few extra women on the side. 

These are the broken pieces of my past. The parts of me that haunt me whenever I try and go on a date, or even just meet someone new for the first time. These are the parts of me that cry out whenever I feel rejected or misused in anyway. These are the parts of me that stop me from drinking them away. These are the parts of me that remind me that I am better than all that and that I will succeed. Happy 4th of July everyone. Make sure to hug a soldier and take a few moments of silence for all those who you can't hug today. May God bless you in your life. 

Happy Dating Adventures

It has only been a few months sense my last post and still it feels as if I have experienced a whole years worth of emotions, experiences, highs and lows. I finally got around to dating again which was a good step for me in the scope of things. When I opened my heart up to someone again I found myself growing and learning new things about myself that I hadn't seen there before. For instance, I enjoy my personal time very much. When you are around another person every day and you go from sharing none of your time to almost all of your time with them it becomes very suffocating and hard to know what ideas are solely yours and which are theirs. I also found that once two people decide to be completely committed to one another it becomes an understood thing that marriage is on the table....or at least that is what happened in this example. 
It is hard for me to not consider marriage when I like someone. Hard not to look at that person and say "Could I have children with him?", "How would he react if I locked myself out of the house?", "Could I live with his mannerisms for the rest of my life?", "Is he on my same spiritual level, or at least shooting for spiritual growth everyday?" 
I am in no way ready for marriage again and don't see myself being ready for some years to come, however, I do think it is important for me to understand how to properly date in order to become ready for marriage. 

Personally there are a few things that are important to contemplate when deciding to date someone. Is there physical attraction? Does your religious standing match theirs? Do interests align? Do you both have individual parts of you that can remain personal or would you quickly morph into one person? Do passion levels about life and interests align? Do you enjoy the same foods and are they fun to eat with? How do they treat their family members and how do they see themselves within their already established family unit? Are they educated? Finally, is there a consistent and ever growing spark that excites you about a possible future with that person? 
I understand that those aren't going to be important to everyone but for me I find that most of those questions need to be carefully looked at before I can fully be happy inside a relationship. This also may make me seem like I take dating too seriously and don't have much fun but that isn't true. I find that I can be someones friend before I fully attach physically which makes for way more fun on a more consistent basis as well as allowing respect to be established on both ends. When respect is present you both can keep growing individually and therefor will be able to enjoy time spent together more fully. 

I am no expert on love, or dating or how to date best. In fact up until my Annulment was finalized I was a weaker individual when it came to understanding what I needed from a partner or even a date. I was consistently disrespected, used and misunderstood. Boo hoo right?? Ha ha. I had to learn not to allow myself to get lost in that other person before I could understand how to gain respect. It was a hard process, especially being raised in a Latter Day Saint home. In the LDS church members are taught to love others as Christ loves us. Well Christ gave his life for us, so are we than expected to give our lives for those we love, or is it more metaphorical? I believe it to be circumstantial and than some. If I have something of worth I can offer someone I should offer it if I see it could uplift them and allow them to feel Gods love for them.

 How than does that come into play if I am dating someone. Should I give and give and give until I have nothing left to give to that person? What worth would I than be to ANYONE if I gave all that I had and was left with nothing. Jesus Christ gave his life for us so that we would not have to. He gave his life so that we could come to know the worth of our own. When in the dating phase of life try not to forget that in order to give to others you also must give to yourself. 
Fill up that emotional gas tank in order to have enough fuel to make it to your final destination; Marriage. :)

In the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saint's 'True to the Faith' booklet I came across this passage.

"Look for a companion of your own faith. Look for someone you can always honor and respect, someone who will complement you in your life. Before you marry, be sure you have found someone to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty." 

I think it is important to note that last part, "...be sure you have found someone to whom you CAN give your entire heart.." not someone to whom you have already given your heart. 

I want to say that the views expressed here on this Blog are my own and unless quoted directly they are the musings of me Aimee Smith and not to be taken out of context. I wish you all happy dating adventures :)

I Am A Latter Day Saint Woman

My name is Aimee Ruth Smith and I am a Latter Day Saint Woman. I gained my Young Women's Medallion when I was a teenager by completing a set of tasks and a 10 hour service project for each of the Young Women Values:

 Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity and Virtue. 

When I was just beginning the program I felt a divine curiosity fill my heart and I remember wanting to complete each section quickly that I might be able to feel the sense of accomplishment that accompanies such a feat. I soon gained my reward in the form of a Silver, Medallion of the Salt Lake Temple which would hang from my neck for years to come. This medallion to some may seem too small a reward for more than 80 hours worth of labor but to those who have gone through the program and have just such a medallion know that it is far more precious to them than any amount of money. The knowledge obtained, the faith built, the better understanding of Gods love for me, the honesty and service, all of these things are priceless. The Young Women's program taught me to be the woman I always knew I could be. :)

For my 10 hour faith service project I took charge of my mothers Vegetable Garden for an entire summer. Deciding what needed to be planted, as well as, tending to the weeds thereafter, and taking care that the plants had water to grow. It turned out to be one of the most nourishing summers of my life :) I was also grateful for the opportunity to work a long side my mother and see her love for Gods earth and all he has blessed us with.

Divine Nature!! We are all children of God and we should never forget that! If he is divine.. which he most certainly is, than so are we and there is no shame in knowing and living your life as a child of God would. Divinely :)

My divine mission now is so much different than what it was when I was younger! Or is it? Our circumstances change, but our divine mission will always remain steadfast and sure. Spread the word of God, Bring souls unto Christ and return to Him once more. It is an Eternal Truth that will never change. 

I may not hold a physical college degree (yet) but I do not consider time spent studying the scriptures, words of the prophets past and present, any less real a tangible degree of growth. I cannot stand still in my search for spiritual knowledge anymore than I can deny myself a physical meal of nourishment. 

Choices, choices! :) I know that as I am preparing for motherhood my choice of an eternal companion is of the utmost importance. I will not allow my past trials to dictate the degree in which I will allow myself to love my next choice. I pray every day that he is preparing himself as much as I am me. We cannot expect perfection out of our significant other if we are only expecting half of that of ourselves. 

Since the age of 12 I have had this dream of visiting Africa and bringing music to the children there. I realized that it would not feed their bellies but knew that it would feed their souls! I do not have the means of providing music to little children in Africa but I do have the means of which to serve my fellow friends and family best I can here. I actively listen to things said by those around me and try my best to fill their needs. I have not forgotten my dream of going to Africa but rather am realizing that by small measures are big things brought to pass. 

Honesty is the best policy both figuratively and literally :) It is how we are more able to sense the gentle nudging of the Holy Ghost as well as keep good standing with our fellow men and God. One cannot fully be honest with others if we are not first honest with ourselves. 

The temple is the most sacred place on earth that we can go to feel the presence of our Father in Heaven and his Son Jesus Christ. I have in good standing with the Lord my regular temple attendance and plan on always having it that way. Our thoughts truly do reflect where we personally stand with the Lord and how wonderful it feels to know while, standing in His presence in His holy house, that our thoughts are complete and pure and perfect. 

I am not perfect. I am merely striving to become perfect by coming closer to my Father in Heaven.

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places as we strive to live the young women values, which are:

Faith*Divine Nature*Individual Worth*Knowledge*Choice and Accountability*Good Works*Integrity* and Virtue

We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values, we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

-Young Women's Theme

P.s... Cool fact. The white dress I am wearing in these photographs was hand made by my Grandmother. It was worn by my Mother on her wedding day to my Father in the Salt Lake City Temple. :)

Photo Credit: Taylor Jay Photography LLC 

Alexa Ogilvie

taylorjay.photography@gmail.com

Pray for Them Who Despitefully Use You (Updated/Edited on 02/20/2023)

    Lately, I have been dealing with some very real emotions. As I hung up the phone tonight, after speaking with a dear woman, I opened up my scriptures and this passage presented by the guidance of the Holy Ghost.

 D&C 1: 14-16 

"And the arm of the Lord shall be revealed; and the day cometh that they who will not hear the voice of the Lord, neither the voice of his servants, neither give heed to the words of the prophets and apostles, shall be cut off from among the people;

For they have strayed from mine ordinances, and have broken mine everlasting covenant;

They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way...."

    When I read this scripture, I was overwhelmed by the spirit. She had shared with me a situation that fit this scriptures message and it was hard to receive an answer so pure and true when the emotions where in the forefront of my mind.

     The Lords commandment is to love the Lord and his second commandment is to love thy Neighbor. 

D&C 59: 5-6

" Wherefore, I give unto them a commandment, saying thus: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind and strength...

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself...."

     It is often discussed, in great length, the many different ways we may follow that second commandment and that by doing so you are loving the Lord.  I find the topic of what to do when thy neighbor rejects your love and cuts you off entirely from their life seldom discussed. 

    It breaks my heart when I see good people harboring hurt feelings against someone who is a good, hard working, God fearing person. When those 'hurt feelings' become reality and the only view they have of that individual and subsequently that person gets 'removed' from their life. It is a hard topic to open up about because each persons circumstance will be different and I would never want to assume that I understand all accounts on the matter. I will relate my own, very personal experience, feelings, and you can take away what is applicable in your own lives. 

     That is what I did with Marshal, my ex-husband. I cut him off from my life after I had covenanted to love him forever, for better or for worse... It was the hardest decision of my life. If someone where to ask me what is the hardest thing you have ever been through, I would say, "The moment I sat sobbing in my car outside the Military Police Station praying fervently for direction on whether or not I should really turn him in." On one hand I needed to be honest with myself. I was being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. He was endangering my spiritual standing by neglecting to take me back to the temple of the Lord, and had conditioned me to believe it would be wrong to have gone by myself. Any time he would leave the house, and had planned to be gone for things other than work, I would become manic in my emotions and thoughts, and the craziness would only subside when he got home. Any time I would leave the house alone, which was almost never, I would have visions of him committing suicide, and me coming home to find him dead. The trips out never lasted long.

    With all of that being said my marriage did have good things to it too. He knew how to hold me until I was about to burst with emotions of love and compassion for him. He knew that quality time spent together was what was going to keep us strong and so we would play card games together or go for walks at a park on base. Someday, we wanted kids of our own. Until that time came, we would baby sit friends kids. Learning together the kind of parents we wanted to be. 

What I am getting at, is that it was a monumental decision for me to make on my own. The only way I could numbly open up my car door, stand up, and walk into that Station was by the grace of God.

     I have had faith in my saviors love for me since before I can remember. It was built into the fiber of being, as it is with all of his children. Coming to a knowledge of just how powerful that love is, and how much he is willing to do for us is completely different for each person. Yes, I chose to leave an abusive man who I had vowed to love for eternity. No, it was not easy, and yes, we might have been happy together. I will never know because I chose to leave. I chose to stand up for myself in the most extreme way I knew how. I could have stayed, and maybe he would have changed...I believe that what I went through was foreordained in Heaven, and that the Lord knew I would choose to marry Marshal Anthony. That he would choose to abuse me, and that I would choose to leave him. I relied on the Lord when I married him, and when I left him. 

The Lord knows us personally, and perfectly. That in no way means that our personal agency is taken away from us. On the contrary, it is very much there for us to choose our own paths. It does mean that we have a perfect friend watching over us. Preparing his army of angels for our darkest hours, and our happiest ones. It means that we are never a lone, and that we have a friend who knows us more perfectly than anyone will ever know us. 

So then, with all of that being said, how does the person on the other side of this equation feel? 

    How did Marshal feel when I had said I would be home that night, and instead of me at the door he was greeted by several police officers and yellow tape being squared around our house. It is no easy thing to consider the other person in this type of situation. I choose to, because my heart yearns to understand humanity. I choose to, because forgiveness is found by standing in someone else's shoes.

3 Nephi 12: 44

"But I would say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you;"

    To end simply, I pray daily for the Lord to rest upon him, and to help change his heart. I pray for the women who have already, and who have yet to come into his life, that they may be protected. I pray that I can forgive him, and that he can forgive me. I pray. :) I do not regret the decision to leave my marriage. 

    There is no shame in leaving a union created by God to follow His commandments and teachings and to be able to become the person he wishes me to become. 

    There is no shame in loving myself first. Planting a divine seed within, that my life may bring about the blessings I have prayed for. 

-A

Pictures Worth a 1000 Words

My tribute to Shirley Temple! Rest in Peace beautiful. She inspired me to be all that I can be and I have fond memories of watching her with my dad on our couch :) Her legacy is huge and wonderful.

My sister shared this photo with me and I just fell in love with it! Mother Nature, at it again, showing everyone just how much she loves us!

Photo taken before Valentines Ball I went to :) Felt like a princess inside and out! 

A Divine Signature

Tonight was one of the most thrilling nights of my life. It started with the decision to attend a Valentines Day Ball thrown by a family ward near me and ended with a trip to Boston City with some of the most beautiful people I have ever had chance to meet. The dance was beautiful and the decorations took my breath away.
 Twinkling lights lined the walls and also were strung over head to create a canopy of romance. In truth the scene caught me off guard as I have secretly always wanted to be in room filled with lights such as they had and I felt like the night held all sorts of possibilities for me. I checked out the food table but had already eaten dinner AND a piece of my homemade Pumpkin and squash pie so I just passed on to the two couples I recognized. I sat down at a table after visiting for a short time with them and thought 'great!! just what I thought would happen I am surrounded by couples!' One of those couples though allowed me a dance with her husband which I was very tentative about but it proved to be a very kind gesture and I felt grateful for it. 

Soon a sweet woman named Tory came over to chat for a bit and then introduced me to some of the singles members who had shown up after all! I was surprised with the ease in which I was able to hold conversations with the two men who I met first. I really enjoyed meeting them and felt confident in my abilities to talk about my life without saying anything about having been married and with that creating awkwardness. It furthered my excitement about getting back to dating soon and being confident enough to enjoy meeting new people.
 I soon found myself over at a table meeting new faces and I started to feel a little bit more intimidated and wondered if I could continue to feel confident enough with so many new people to meet. I did though, the Lord helped me feel at ease knowing that I was in really good company and that these new friends shared my same values and beliefs. The dance was mostly a bust except for the awesome people I was able to meet and how beautiful I felt! I love being able to dress up, and on this specific night I got to wear a dress I had bought at the Deseret Industries before moving out to Boston. It was a yellow ballroom gown with beading all down the bodice with extra fabric in triangles at the bottom. No I did not actually do much dancing in it but I felt like a princess for wearing it and I was glad that I had the courage to be so bold in my attire :)
Some of the newly acquired friends had heard of another dance that they wanted to try out but it was in Boston City so I felt uneasy about my chances with being able to go. I did not want to be out too late but they offered to drive me there and back and I felt a good feeling from them and knew that I would be taken care of. I changed into something more comfortable for a city adventure and we where off!
 The dance ended up being not really a dance either but something else entirely so we sat down in the food court area of Boston City College and just talked. My phone was dead and so I went in search of a plug, when at first I did not see one so close by me. I saw a girl using her computer and so plugged my phone in next to her and in my awkward way said "try not to steal my phone." ....... well She was a black woman who took great offence to my 'Joke' and when I came back to retrieve my phone to plug it in closer to me under her breathe she called me a "Racist Bitch." I sat back down with my friends and immediately told them what happened. Shocked at realizing that I had offended her by my silly attempt at a joke.

 I love humans and I do not see people any differently by the color of their skin or by the way they live or their religious beliefs or anything! I believe in loving people as they are and seeing them the way that God would want me too. My friends expressed their shock and immediately wanted to stand up for me and say something in regards to my honor, bless their hearts :) I could see where she was coming from though and felt really bad that I had caused her anger by my words and knew that I had not understood the place I was in, the circumstances that surrounded me or the way in which my words would be received.
 I became quiet and pensive as I really did not feel settled about the situation that had taken place but did not know how to go about fixing it when I heard a different woman speak to me. "Excuse me? Can I ask you what you meant by what you said?" It was a friend of the other woman's and she had come to understand where I stood in regards to racism or even what I had meant. I stood up and explained that I had not meant any disrespect or harm by my words and had only meant to be lighthearted. She seemed a little relieved and explained to me that Blacks at Boston College have been receiving a lot of racism from the students about stealing things and that it was a very current problem they where facing. She was not as angry by my words as her friend and was able to talk to me politely and understand where I was coming from and I was able to express how sorry I was and that I realized afterwards that me not being from around Boston I should have thought better before I spoke. She seemed even more relieved and called her friend over to allow me to say that to her. When she came into my line of sight I saw an immense amount of hurt and anger in her eyes as well as mistrust and hate. I did not hold it together after that as well as I had before and the tears streamed down my face. I asked for her forgiveness and said that I was sorry for causing any hurt to her. I explained that I love people and that If I had understood better what was going on I never would have said any thing like I had. She relaxed when I asked for forgiveness and said that she could. I felt the tension dissipate and at the end of everything I ended up giving both of them a hug. I cannot say that I did not feel terrified but I also felt the spirit of God strengthening me as I took the time to understand a very disturbing situation.
 Can you imagine if I had not been patient or had retorted with something super rude back? This woman would have never let that go and she would have carried her hate for white people with her for days, months, or even years. I may have even become a little racist myself thinking that they jump to conclusions about others and that they are cold and calculating. Something the friend said to her friend I will never forget.

 "We can never fight racism by jumping to conclusions or not being able to understand where the other person is coming from. We must try to think better than that."

 I was really grateful for that wonderful friend who was able to mediate the situation and for the Lord blessing me with patience and insight into the bigger picture. Also, I was grateful to feel the immediate effects of being forgiven by her. I would have tormented myself over the thought of having hurt her for months, that is just the kind of person that I am. She was able to let it go and forgive me and for anyone who knows what it feels like to be forgiven it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I know that I acted carelessly with my words, but I followed the spirit to understand my mistake and I was grateful for the power of the Atonement tonight. I know that I will be praying for the students at Boston College now and for the racism to be dissolved and worked out.

We ended up leaving soon after that happened but on the way out we waived to each other and could find peace between us, it felt good to be able to find that there.
 The friends I was with, I ended up sharing with them that I gained many of my communication skills from my failed marriage. They did not treat me differently after knowing that I had been married and abused, I was really grateful to them for that. They seemed and expressed in awe that I had handled the situation so well. I know that it wasn't me but the Lord helping me to speak with honesty and sincerity. However, I had to agree with them in the same kind of awe at myself. I am proud of the woman that I am becoming under the Lords guiding influence and am glad that I could pass this test and treat people with love and kindness even when treated poorly. You never know why someone has treated you badly. This isn't to say that you should let people treat you poorly, but I do believe with all my heart that, whenever possible, it is beneficial to your life if you can talk to them about it and resolve the situation patiently.

While walking back to the car we found this super sweet cookie shop called Insomnia Cookies and oh boy was that the perfect thing I needed after bearing my soul to a complete stranger. A warm, delicious, fresh Snickerdoodle Cookie and I was once more my light, loving self. Being emotionally available and honest is a really hard thing to accomplish while also being strong and courageous. I know the Lord walks with me wherever I go though, and that makes the world of difference. :)

Im Just A Thorny Red Rose

I found myself in tears while cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. These tears did not last long, I am incapable of crying for more than a few seconds now but the reason behind them had finally sunk in. I will always have some kind of scar or hurt from being abused. Daily reminders hang in the air despite my huge efforts in trying to keep them from disturbing my recovery. The big reminders come from seeing an Army uniform, anything military really. I cant help but feel a stereo type forming in my heart regarding service men and that breaks my heart. I know that the choices of one man should not be affecting the way I view the many thousands who in truth lay down their lives for me every day. His choices have now clouded the ease in which I used to celebrate my favorite holiday, the 4th of July. Other triggers for my PTSD are less obvious for me to see but I have found them to be more harmful none the less. I now find myself Judging marriages when I see the slightest amount of spousal abuse or lying going on. Anything that is similar in anyway to my own past marriage is something that I end up pin pointing in other marriages which are close by to my viewing eye. This is a part of my reality which makes me feel crazy. The way my mind was during those five months of being married comes flooding back to me and I want to run screaming towards the person who I think is harming his wife and family and shout at him, " Why? Your life is so great, you have beautiful kids and a loving wife! you have no reason to be disobeying Gods laws in these ways. How dare you?" I realize that by doing so would be completely out of line by my part but I get so outraged. 
When abuse is allowed to happen it is layered on slowly over time, little by little, until the person being abused is so wrapped up in it they do not even see it happening anymore. I have noticed the affects of abuse in my own life and now am seeing it in the lives of those close to me and it hurts monumentally. I would not consider myself a dramatic person by nature and so only imagine ways that I would stop it from happening to those I love but when it actually comes down to confrontation I fold up like a plastic fork being burned by fire. I want to be like the prophets I read about in the Bible and Book of Mormon and call people to repent but this is not my purpose in life....that I am aware of ;) 
As Valentines day is approaching I am finding myself trying to drown out and forget completely the events of last year on that day. The same thing happened as Christmas and New Years came and went, so I hope have the memories of being married on those "special days." I am someone who loves holidays and birthdays and surprises yet even with that precious knowledge each and every holiday was pulverized by his incompetency to love unconditionally. I grew up with a father who always made a special effort to show my mother just how much he loved her by making holidays special for her and for us. I was shown what it feels like to experience Valentines Day where my 'special someone' literally did nothing special for me. In fact I made several nice valentines for him but I was left standing feeling UN loved and discarded at the end of the day when I realized that he hadn't thought twice about me. I am finding myself a lone on this Valentines Day but in the literal sense and not in the forgotten sense. I feel accomplished and well taken care of this year because I have taken the time to grow from my experiences. There would be nothing more harmful to my self esteem and state of health than if I was distraught or disappointed at being single this time of year. I am grateful for the second chance at life and for the ability to succeed. 

        I can imagine a red rose with many thorns on it all the way up and down the stem. This rose is my beautiful life. When I was born I was a small rose bud which only blossomed when the sun would shine on me. By natures way I naturally grew into color and vivaciousness but thorns grew as well. I liked where I was. A beautiful red rose among others like me! Than the Gardener cut me and took me away. He carefully pruned off my thorns and any excess branches or twigs. I felt like he had been harsh and mean in taking me from the life that I had grown to love and accept as all there was for me. Than as he placed me into fresh water and a beautiful vase filled with hand picked life which complimented me and the changes I had over come I realized the great love he has for me. I know not what vase I may end up in for I am not the Gardener here and am yet in the phase of allowing him to remove my thorns but I trust Him. I trust the Gardener of my life which is my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Whoever is able to read this blog I am praying for you! I am praying that you may find peace of mind in your life this valentines day. I am just a girl who wants to find true love and yes it would be super fab to have a fun date to go on this valentines day or any day really.... at what price though if it is all for the wrong reasons? This is your life, so put yourself first ( to some degree) and than you will know how to keep treating you and how to treat that special someone when they do come into your life. I am wishing all those who have a love bird to cherish all the happiness in the world this Valentines Day! Hold on tight to love and it will hold on tight to you ;) Happy Valentines Day world!! 

Within These Walls

I bring myself to the Latter Day Saint Mormon Temples at least once a week. I love the strength that the Temple of God provides me and so I go weekly because I want that and the other beautiful feelings they bring in my life regularly. In the Mormon church saints gather weekly to actively participate in the taking of the sacrament, a very key part of their testimony and this sacrament allows them to renew their covenants made with the Savior and Father in Heaven. In my own life the renewal of  temple covenants I have made is just as important and needed on a regular basis as is the sacrament. 
The last time I went (last Saturday) I attended the Boston, Massachusetts Temple. This is my Favorite of the Temples even though all are equally magnificent. The strong spire stands firm and tall with the Angel Moroni welcoming all to enter the sacred walls. The Angel Moroni is an exact replica of the one on top of the Salt Lake City Temple :) Something that was special about this visit is that the session I attended was so full that at least a dozen or so people needed to wait for the next session due to NO SEATS being available! This was inspiring to say the least. The Lord knows me and knows what I need in my life to feel important and taken care of. As I went to leave the Celestial room two temple workers approached me with an offer to help with temple sealings. I could have cried for the timing could not have been better. I felt ready to experience sealings again! The only other time I had participated in a sealing was when I was sealed to my ex husband for time and all eternity..... The Lord knows us and what we need when we need it!! The spirit was so strong inside that room that I could barely bare it. Leaving the Temple that day I realized that I had spent 5 hours doing work for those who cannot do it for themselves. When someone is healing from a traumatic event what better way to speed the process up than to do service for others? Yes, I attend the Temple to give of my time and talents to the Lord but also to grow within myself. When we follow the Lord that is what we get, individual growth and a better understanding of how much we can affect the lives of those who need our help the most. I count myself among the very blessed to be able to live a full life and to be able to serve the Children of God as well as learning to love God within his true church here on the earth. The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints is that true church here on the earth and I know it to be true within my own heart and mind. I have read the Book of Mormon and I believe that truthful Prophets of God wrote on those pages. They do testify that Christ has walked on this earth, that he died, was resurrected and that he will come again to rule and reign over this earth. I believe in our current Prophet Thomas S. Monson that his words are inspired by God and that we should listen to his council and direction. I know that satan is real too and that he works ever harder to deceive man kind a like and that he would have us believe that we are our own Gods or that he is the True God over us. I believe this to be false and untrue. I know that Heavenly Father created this world and that Jesus Christ lived and died for us that the power of the Atonement could be ever present a tool in our lives. I believe that no matter our weaknesses or sins we may always choose the path of righteousness and love. Satan would have you believe that what you have done in your life is done and it cannot be undone. That you are worthless and that you are to lap up the dust of the earth for the rest of eternity. That is his fate not yours, not ours! Jesus Christ gave of his life for you and me that we may continually call upon that sacrifice in order to repent of our sins. By doing this we may live with Him and the Father again in Heaven and become Kings and Queens and live in our mansions above. I believe that families will be together in Heaven for eternity as long as they are bound by the everlasting covenants set forth by our Father in Heaven. I believe The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to be an Eternally True gospel. 
This Valentines day remember Him who Loves you always and for Eternity even if you don't feel worthy of his love and praise. :) Happy Valentines day!!

...So I Love You....

In a month it will have been a year sense I left Augusta Georgia. Hitting the pavement I began the longest journey I had ever traversed, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It took my parents and I three days to get back to Utah. Most of what I remember from the three days where the emotions I was feeling. A complete and utter destruction of my heart had taken place and the further I drove away from the home I had tried to make my own the closer I came to understand Gods love for me. One conversation which happened during that car ride was between me and my Mother In Law. She had received a call from the Army informing her of what happened and had come down to be with her son and work things out. I had already left the city and was on my way to family in Atlanta for the night. I wanted to cry when I told her that I wished we could still be family, that I would have loved to be her Daughter In Law and have gotten the chance to know her, but for my safety that was not possible anymore. I did not cry, there were none left to give. She talked to me openly and informed me that it was not the first time that he had hurt a loved one and that she understood. The stories are not mine to share but I am not the only woman he abused. The list unfortunately goes on a and on... When I started to delve and dig into his past I sat down and cried when I learned of the other women who had also been victims. This "man" was barely 21 and had already done more damage than most men will in a lifetime.... I don't have a statistic to back that one up but you get my point yeah? What brings about a 21 year old male willfully harming any woman he can?  I say any woman not because I wish to be dramatic but because I knew no strategy to the women he did target. His targets were any woman who would allow him close enough to tell a lie. His cunning tongue and insight into who that woman is than allows him to pin point her weaknesses ( not very hard with an open and emotionally unstable woman) which where most of his victims. At least the ones which where hurt the most. I was emotionally unstable when he came into my life and I cannot put all the blame on him for my willingness to get to know him either. The very first text message he sent me was somewhat normal, Hi my name is so and so tell me about yourself. we had already been "set up" by a mutual friend and so already the atmosphere felt somewhat safe. The third or fourth text message read something like this. "Well, Aimee, I really like everything you have said so far and this seems like it could work out so what do you think wanna make a go of this?" umm.... what the heck do you think dummy?? This was my first reaction as I literally thought he was stupid in the head with a comment like that when you are first getting to know someone. I did not want to "make a go of this" and I told him that. I told him that I was fresh from a long term relationship and that I did not want to do a long distance internet relationship again. Right then and there is when I should have deleted his number, changed addresses and states and never looked back but I did not. I began Skyping with him... because I am a good person and everyone needs a friend.... Now I was the dumb one in the head. I believe I have already told you about the whole "I love you" Skype call after only 3 weeks of knowing each other and having never met in person.. I am going to stop the story right now to tell everyone reading this male or female if you or anyone you know has said "I love you" in a romantic way to someone you have never met.... STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!! Your life is not a Disney movie where the love interest enters, you kiss, and than it cuts to credits with the hope and understanding that all will be a "Happily Ever After." You don't even know how that person fits into your arms when you hug! Let alone how they treat you when you decide to fill their car up with the wrong kind of fuel because you where late for work and did not take the time to notice. If you need a real life example from my personal vault here you go. He smoked pot in my car and thought that a very strong car freshener would cover up the saturating stench. I did not know him long enough or even in the right physical proximity to know that he even smoked or that he would do it in MY car. For someone to enter a home ( our very personal space, something we keep safe and frequently free of random people) they must knock and receive permission to enter and reside for a given time. You have the option of looking through the window or peep hole to make sure you feel good about the person who is seeking entrance. Only after recognition do you allow the door to be opened and that person limited access to your home. Your heart and mind should be treated with as much care and caution. Would you allow just anyone into your home? Your heart? Mind? I have learned that just as there are universally known steps that one must undergo to enter a home dwelling there are steps one must know to enter someones heart. Keep your hearts locked to love until you have thoroughly left them standing on the front porch for peep hole scrutiny! 
I know now better than I ever hoped to before that time alone with myself, learning how to love myself, is what I need to be able to recognize from others the way I deserve to be treated. I have and will continue to take that time for how ever long it takes until I no longer feel anxious or nervous that I haven't been asked out or complimented by a man. I instead will compliment myself and do special dates with myself to allow me to get to know me! :) It sounds a bit crazy but one of my favorite things to do is to treat myself to a movie. Literally I get in the car, buy my own ticket, buy whatever treats I would like and than choose the seat that I want. I laugh out loud if I want to, cry if I feel like crying and analyze the movie :) I don't go because its a Friday night and I didn't have a date. I have even turned down plans before just to go have an Aimee Date :P I go because I know the importance of being good and stable on my very own. Than and only than will I be able to enjoy being around others. Life is good! So rejoice!