All The Woman That I Need, an Aimes Ruth Re-Write. Original: All The Man That I Need Sung By: Whitney Houston

 All The Woman That I Need. Re-Write By: Aimes Ruth Pike (Aimee) 10/09/2023

In honor of Indigenous Peoples Day and in celebrating the roots we all came from, here is a new lyric to brighten up your world: (Original Song Title: All The Man That I Need) 

*This could work for any gender- just investigate where you would change your pronouns throughout the song* 

.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night

That was all before I learned.

I thought love had to hurt to turn out right

Now I know, Self-loves power,

Self-loves the game.

.

I fill me up, I give me love

More love, than I've ever known (Seen)

I'm all I've got,

I'm all I've got in this world

And I'm all the woman that I need. 

.

In the mornin' when I great the sun

I take my time, feeling slow.

And in the evenin' when the moon is high

I hold me close and wont let go.

Freedom's power!

.

I fill me up, I give me love.

More love than I've ever seen (known)

I'm all I've got, 

I'm all I've got in this world.

And I'm all the woman that I need.

.

.

I am very connected to this song in general. In listening to the rendition that Whitney Houston sung many years ago, I see how disconnected she was from her own power. She often sung of NEEDING a man to fulfill her desires and HARDLY ever sung about owning her own power and NEEDING only herself. 

Self love is a powerful tool of healing, grounding to mother earth, and spreading authentic love throughout the world. I believe in my re-write because I believe in sharing a message of loving oneself first- before we can ever hope to find a fulfilling partner attached to true love. 

.

If we do not understand how to love the self- through all sorts of ups, downs, good weather, and bad- How can we expect to fully be able to love a partner through all that life throws our way?

.

In isolation from community has come freedoms power to love myself. Regardless of others definition of what that SHOULD look like. I do not believe in following the crowd - which puts me at a huge disadvantage when it comes to "fitting in"... *weird barbie anyone??*

.

When it comes to healing my inner wounds, I have found that putting myself first has meant leaning into a deep loneliness. Self- love comes at a price you know. The price of loving yourself is truly LOOKING at yourself in the mirror and saying- I love you. Looking at all the flaws, the moments of personal dis-loyalty or putting others above or before yourself. I have paid the price in losing friendships, co-workers, family members that were not loyal, solid or full of healthy boundaries. 

.

Loving my self has been liberating in that I no longer feel alone when Im in a crowded room. I know that I love the persona I came with; Myself. 

If I'm not happy with the atmosphere or circumstances, I am learning to take myself home. I am learning to do my best every day to love ALL THE PIECES of myself. 

As the ancient Toltecs taught: 1- Be impeccable with your word, 2- Don't take anything personally, 3- Don't assume, 4- Do your best, 5- Look for and know TRUTH.

.

Wishing you all the most LUCIOUS of SELF-LOVES. That you may HEAL your deep wounds and create the type of world we can feel ecstatic to bring future children into. 

.

-A

Create. Grow. Change. Freedom.

Homeless Like the Christ Child Was...

 Dear Ether,                                                                                                                    10/09/2023

I have found myself in a version of homelessness. Living in a tent, with subtle access to a homes facilities. #blessings. Try as I might to reconnect with the above world- I have found myself longing for braids and even less than I have now. 

I applied for four jobs today- heard back from one. Yes! This is it, this is my chance to get into a warm home. This is my chance to show my cat that I am capable. 

First day on the job and I am excited to see so many female faces. Female welders, and female heavy lifters. Female drivers, female organizers. Female computer savvy, and female leaders. 

Could this be the place for me??? I identify Non-binary, trauma that has fractured me into a trillion small pieces. Could this be the place for me?? Are these women - pro-women, or heavy masculine- weighed down by the worlds expectation of 'working women' and the trops that follow?

I jump right in and work a long hard day on the spot- just to prove that I understand team. I encourage and applaud- I take the time to get to know each persons name. Commitment, honesty and communication at my core. 

End of day I am feeling communal. They have acted goofy and let loose in front of me. I am a part of a team! I get asked to stay for the full production. 

I go home with elation on my fingertips and healing in my soul. I wake to the sun, and do some yard work. Knowing that a full day off would not help with my excitement to be on set tomorrow. 

I check on my emails in the afternoon, having been instructed to do so. No emails. hmmm... Ill wait a bit more. 

I send a few emails expressing that I have found work!! That they should not expect me at their volunteer effort. I send a few more emails, and I wait...

I email the head boss- she says, they are all waiting patiently- evening should wield answers. So I wait patiently. 

My anxiety is building- yet, I need to lead with love on set. I take a shower.  My trauma bubbles up inside of me. I cannot hold it in anymore- I wail, I scream, I cry uncontrollably. I am not in Utah anymore. I am thousands of miles away in a different tub, a different home, a different time. I am small, weak, unable to protect myself. 

"Let me go, please, let me go. I will be a good girl, please let me go." The words ring out as the little girl inside me works to show me what she experienced. I choke on the water as she did. I tremble and shake. I wail and I scream. I throw up. I choke some more. 

The visions are too terrible to express over words. The mother that raised me comes in to ask, "why I scream- Are you okay?". I am broken away from the little girl who is suffering and my voice rings out clear: "I am doing trauma work- leave the bathroom now!" 

The protector in me is fierce and loyal. A bathroom is a vulnerable place. 

I leave the house. I pull out my computer. I start my healing meditation music and I begin to paint. 

She dances before my eyes; Still, wet, silent, cold, hungry, shivering, alone. In my mind, I hold her amidst the stars she hides inside. The bubbles of light that keep her safe. Dark purple/gray shadows swirl around- hoping to engulf, to smother, to put out her light. I hold her. 

In the painting, she is alone. Dripping inside the bathroom turned dungeon. She is alone, her captors have tired of her, for now. 

I cry and wail as she releases her pain. I finish the painting... it is now very late in the night. 

No email. 

I have been instructed that an email should have come in the evening- for the call time is early. 

I go to bed trembling, with my heart pounding. Why do I feel so frightened?

I am safe in my home.

I am safe in my home.

I am safe in my home. 

I wake up at 2:30am... no email and an early call time of 5:30am...

My protector rears up- I email the head boss and express the unprofessional manner in which business has been conducted. I express that I no longer wish to work for them. That I will no longer commit my time and energy to them. The red flags were there. Homelessness and need for work made me overlook- I am learning everyday. Doing my best everyday. 

I email a volunteer opportunity back and say, "Ill see you Thursday!". This helps little one sleep better. This helps protector know that they have done a good job at protecting her.  

I go back to sleep, or try. I sleep sounder this time. More aware that I have chosen me. That I have prioritized me, that the work will be slow. 

Change takes time. 

I wake to the sunrise. Oh the beautiful, magical light. I check my emails. 

Big Boss: "It looks like you received the email in the evening just like I had stated you would, and X, Y, Z, and this is exactly what we discussed, and you don't have a cell phone and the whole team does... and...".

Big Boss is tired, overworked, and does not control her company. Someone bigger does. 

Truth? I received an email at 4:45AM stating that I was forgotten about. That I should report to set as soon as I get this, and its okay if Im late. I know this to be a false way to approach the industry. I know this to be the way that prostitutes find their way onto sets. 

I am not a prostitute. I have chosen a different path for myself then the path laid out by my "family".

They call this mental illness...did you know?

I protected myself. I am still homeless, jobless, and friendless. My community shouts at me to 'conform' to stand underground with them. 

I enjoy the light too much. I care to protect Little One too much. I care about motherhood and family too much. I care too much to walk in the shadows while pretending that the light is my friend. 

I care about motherhood and family.

I care about child rights.

I care about freedom.

Big Boss emails back and states that it was a misunderstanding, but that they wish me well.

I wish them well back. 

I am worth more than they have capacity to fulfill. 

I am worthy of being remembered.

I am worthy of good, hard work, 

I am worthy of honest pay.

I am worthy of a warm, protected home. 

I am worthy of leadership and loyalty.

I am worthy.

Boundaries are important. They help protect us from unworthy souls. They help us remember that we are all just trying our best.

I wish you all well. May your communication strengthen. May you'r jealous hearts find comfort in your roles, that you will not be threatened by others who find their way into your establishment. 

I wish you well. I wish me well.

May this winter prove to be warmer than usual.

May all the homelessness find shelter this winter.

May humanity find love this winter.

-A

Create. Grow. Change. Freedom.

Desire By A.R.P

I want to run away together

I need to love you

I desire to be somewhere we can be real together; Alive.

You are my horizon

My lonely road leading to a clearer sky.

My flow is in check

My fears quieted

Anxiety is a mistress I may never un-bed. 

Never dismissing consent

May I,

         Always, 

remain yours.

-AP

Did You Ever Just Wonder (Originally written 03/2015. Edited 02/20/2023)

    I've been thinking lately about my marriage, the healing route I took, and how Christ has played a part in all of that. When I was with Marshal it was a no brainer that church would be attended, our covenants kept, and our home centered upon Christ. It was, at least, second nature to me. 

    I wish I could have seen that earlier in our courtship, because then I would have seen that we wanted two very different things out of life, marriage, family and eternity. Something I always told myself was that I would never be one of those Jaded divorced women who go make rash decisions, or stop progressing forward inside the church. I wanted to stay strong, faithful and encourage others that life can be happy and healthy when you stay close to the Savior. 

    well, what happens when you start to doubt everything that you have tried so hard for? What happens when you are sitting inside of one of Gods biggest natural wonders, The Grand Canyon, looking up into the un-countable stars, and you forget why you had a testimony or why it meant anything to you. I have recently experienced this, meditating inside the Grand Canyon, and staring into the un-countable stars. 

    I can also say that it terrified me. My whole life I have been taught that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, that Joseph Smith was indeed the Prophet who restored the True Church onto the earth again, that the savior loves me, that he died for me and that I can return to live with him again someday. 

    Something I was not taught about, however, is what to do when the testimony that you grew up developing just up and disappears.

Brave Hunter, Written by: A.R.P

Brave, Brave Hunter, Why have you come?

Alluring masterpiece, you slither into my mind

and alter my bodies chemistry. 

Stunned by your boundaries,

slayed by your cunning. 

I feel you, from miles apart-

I know you have come to command my mind.

The seduction of my will.

What's this, a gift?

A noble commitment; A truth told.

Time altered for eternity;

Fur in hand, Brave Warrior, you wrap me in 

your love. Embracing every piece of us

with power-inducing peace.

May we all find our protector this February.

May we all see each other. May we all find 

a circle of protection, that our collective 

energy will be raised; A society

enlightened. 

May all our dreams come true.

-A

Blank Canvas, Written by: Aimee R. P.

Blank, still, silent

Where do you lead?

I see before me

                  Something that could be

A tangling of vivacious sorrow

                   A clump of magical joy 

                                   A mountain of possibilities un-folding before my third eye.

A glorious emotion holds it deep under the water.

I create Life.

I take life.

And sometimes

                                 They take it.

        -A

Heart on My Sleeve, Witten by: Aimee R. P.

I take the painting out of the bag, and hang it back on the wall of my kitchen. The note I tuck into my journal for safe keeping, a memory I will now keep for myself. 

Im done carrying around the sparkly gift bag in hopes that you will appear in my life as quickly as you did the first time.                          Im finished solo building our one-sided fantasy.

Eyes wide shut you stood against the bar with a silence that clung to my bones, 

                                                                         a stare that made me ache to know you.

The colors that lit you burned in my memory. The shape of you effortlessly tormenting me.

Out of the blue my phone would ring,              

                                 It can't be that they are thinking of me?

Time spent together slowed to a small space between breaths,

                                                                                            A space between nothing,

                                                                                                       and everything.

Forgetting personal oaths of loyalty to self, 

                                                                    Trekking mountains to make time for you.

Fooling myself into wishing.

                                  Opening myself up to pain, 

                                                                          To love,

                                                                                    To art.                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                             I painted,

I passionately played,         I worked to heal myself,        trusting that you were doing the same.

I misunderstood,           I stumbled,                        I failed,                 I tried,       I grew.

I re-learned a magic about myself. A magic that exists to expand on my shape, 

my color, and my fierce qualities. 

                                                                   I learned something about you too.

You are quiet,                 deeply passionate about your life dreams and goals.

                  unapologetic,                   sometimes warm,          mostly cold, and silent.

It's the cold and silent I will never find happiness with. 

It's the rent you do not pay to live inside my head. 

The lack of value you bring to my life.

It's time after time of submitting my energy, 

thoughts, and dreams to an unfolding vision of maybes; 

                                                            subtlety that would never solidify. 

The gift of value I had intended for you, a continuation to build the hope of us, Now,

                                                                                                       Reserved for me.

                                                                                                       Loyalty to me.

I truly wish you, and her, nothing but the best. 

Sincerely,

    Someone worthy of being more than someone else's In-between,

                                                                                                                       -À

Am I Awake?, An Original Poem by: Aimee R. P.

An unconscious divide between dreaming 

and reality. Curled up in my mind,

A tiny, frail minded version of myself

                                  Looking to rebuild.

What does it mean to be awake?

Consciously dreaming

A time and space that is my own.

 

Will I wake up?

have I been asleep too long: 

                              Dipping, zoning, diving

Plummeting to my death?

How does one measure awake?

Is it measurable?

Does it stand on its own

Firm as a tree.

Subconscious tells me yes,

conscious mind says no,

                            Too much for today.

Will I truly count myself awake among the heavens?

Floating through purple cosmic space clouds

And singing on the moon?

Perhaps I will bound from one space rock

to the next playing violin

                                              Loud enough

For earth to wake up too.

They say, 'you are awake.'

I doubt their words.

They say, 'rest well, I love you.'

This makes my insides scream.

How does one measure love,

If one cannot measure awake?

Birth; Trauma.

Child's play; Trauma.

Sleep; Trauma.

You are now accountable; Trauma.

You are old enough to do that on your own

                                                  Trauma.

It's all in your head; Trauma.

Don't talk about this to anyone; Trauma.

You tempted him; Trauma.

Marriage is the way; Trauma.

I love you; Trauma.

Prostitution built this nation; Trauma.

Slavery built this nation; Trauma.

Normalized trafficking; Trauma.

I did not consent; Trauma.

Your ideas are mine; Trauma.

I can no longer claim two white veils.

Third times the charm used up in infancy,

                      He suffered too; Trauma.

Let's see if we can make her scream,

                               Cry, or rage; Trauma.

It's just the way it is; Trauma.

Do you really want me to stop; Trauma.

Am I fully awake?

How does one know

Since sleep has predominated the

battlefield?

Awake is foreign

Powerful,

The sun as it pushes past the mountain

Declaring a new day.

Awake is lonely.

Resigned to walk the path I set for myself

before birth.

I can only blame myself.

Society does not allow for blame to fall on 

him, them or other.

Only her. 

You chose this; Trauma

You chose our family; Trauma

You chose to be hit; Trauma

You chose to get married; Trauma

You chose to leave; Strength

You chose to rebuild; Strength

You chose to try again; Strength

You chose to forgive; Strength

You chose to love yourself; Strength

You chose to find yourself; Strength

You chose to wake up; Strength

You chose to wake up;

                                         Power.

-A

                        

                                                                           

Enchenté, Je M'appelle Aimee et voici mon cœur

Poetry to quiet the long held silence. I am prepared to revisit my blog and give it love this February 2023 and beyond. 

Enchenté, Je M'appelle Aimee et voici mon cœur:

Did You Not See the Writing on the Wall? (An original poem by Aimee R. P.)

Heavy are the eyelids 
Filled with longing 

Answers come in waves

Loneliness the daily song

Repetitive the questions

Insensitive replies

Isolated

Where do we come from?

Why are we here?

To watch; Silent, to help the screaming misogyny.

Stepping on each other to win the crown. 

When will you see the pain in our eyes has 

nothing to do with winning and everything to do with witnessing?

I witness you

You witness me

We are seen.

They drew a harsh line that made your insides boil and your dreams turn to ash. 

So you lied, sweeping your story into the shadows. 

"This world isn't ready for you yet."

You prayed on your knees for redemption

From the underground prison 

You bought into.

Only to find that the savior you bet on ran away with your pride,

and left you to answer for His crimes. 

When they mentioned that in the scriptures

Did you not see the writing on the wall?

When they stole the creation power inside your soul,

Calling it theirs under, 'finders keepers.'

Did you crawl under a rock and let them creatively rape you?

No.

You said no by walking away.

You said no by taking baths, breathing, and holding yourself close.

You said no by choosing the path least traveled by.

You said no by loving yourself first. 

Proud of you little one. 

-A