I take the painting out of the bag, and hang it back on the wall of my kitchen. The note I tuck into my journal for safe keeping, a memory I will now keep for myself.
Im done carrying around the sparkly gift bag in hopes that you will appear in my life as quickly as you did the first time. Im finished solo building our one-sided fantasy.
Eyes wide shut you stood against the bar with a silence that clung to my bones,
a stare that made me ache to know you.
The colors that lit you burned in my memory. The shape of you effortlessly tormenting me.
Out of the blue my phone would ring,
It can't be that they are thinking of me?
Time spent together slowed to a small space between breaths,
A space between nothing,
and everything.
Forgetting personal oaths of loyalty to self,
Trekking mountains to make time for you.
Fooling myself into wishing.
Opening myself up to pain,
To love,
To art.
I painted,
I passionately played, I worked to heal myself, trusting that you were doing the same.
I misunderstood, I stumbled, I failed, I tried, I grew.
I re-learned a magic about myself. A magic that exists to expand on my shape,
my color, and my fierce qualities.
I learned something about you too.
You are quiet, deeply passionate about your life dreams and goals.
unapologetic, sometimes warm, mostly cold, and silent.
It's the cold and silent I will never find happiness with.
It's the rent you do not pay to live inside my head.
The lack of value you bring to my life.
It's time after time of submitting my energy,
thoughts, and dreams to an unfolding vision of maybes;
subtlety that would never solidify.
The gift of value I had intended for you, a continuation to build the hope of us, Now,
Reserved for me.
Loyalty to me.
I truly wish you, and her, nothing but the best.
Sincerely,
Someone worthy of being more than someone else's In-between,
-À
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