Turn The Music Up And Remember Him

During this Christmas Season I have fully embodied the Joyous spirit by blasting "Run Run Rudolph" along with many others from Kelly Clarkson's Holiday Album 'Wrapped in Red' as well as listening to the oh so emotionally beautiful Christina Perry sing "Ave Maria." 
I also Made a Christmas Tree from wrapping paper and taped it to the wall just above my kitchen table :) I have included a picture below:)

I had the brilliant idea after a conversation with my little sister Linda who said that really all she wanted for Christmas was a Christmas Tree :) Thanks to my awesome Mother and Father who always taught us that a present from the heart was always better than a billion store bought presents! I started my project at 10:00 pm after she left for work and It took me a good two hours to do it.. I think it took so long because I am a perfectionist....I know it doesn't look like it, but it could look worse ;) The joy that filled my heart while serving my sister was so strong and warmed me up despite the growing cold outside. This season is all about what Charity we as humans can bring to the table. What can you do to brighten someones Christmas? Christ gave us the ultimate example of how to give all that he had and than some when he gave his life on the cross for each and everyone of us. God is real, and present in your life. I promise you this is true and when you serve your friends, family, and those you may not even know this holiday season you will be emulating Jesus Christs example of selfless service and like the Grinch who realized the true meaning of Christmas, your heart will grow 10x while you do it.... or at least it will feel that way ;) 

God lives!! and loves each and everyone of you! At the very least share a smile with someone today! 

Lin and I also had a blast decorating a Gingerbread House and also got surprised with the tip top of our older sisters Christmas Tree to decorate as our very own! The smell is incredible and I think it is my new favorite thing about the Holidays. Fresh pine smell just cannot be beat!!! 

I pray during this Holiday season that we will all remember the true meaning of CHRISTmas :) Don't forget Christ, he never forgets you!!

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live." John 11:25

"But behold, the resurrection of Christ redeemeth mankind, yea, even all mankind, and bringeth them back into the presence of the Lord." Helaman 14:17

As I remember him I am brought to my knees in gratitude for the many blessings I have already received in my life and will yet receive in the future. I can feel the Atonement (The result of his death) in my heart guiding me to feel deep forgiveness for the wrongs done to me and for the wrongs I may have done to others and definitely to myself. It is easy to call out others for hurting us and to blame them for the way that we are but I believe in being better than that. I believe in understanding and owning my own decisions and taking responsibility for my successes and failures. If I stumble the rest of my life because I married an abusive man and now can never trust another person again than that decision is on ME. I WILL FLY. I will heal, recover and trust again being wiser for my life experiences and I will be happy :) I decide my fate. No one will control me now nor ever. I decide, to be submissive to my Saviour because I know that by being obedient and willing to be taught is the only way to be someone that he would want to spend time with in Eternity. Eternity is the next step and I am willing to be patient, faithful and submissive in order to return to him someday and live in his presence. 

Whether you are currently happy, sad, mad, relaxed, nervous, stressed, tired, selfish, charitable, filled with harmony and balance or cluttered; you have made the decision to be that way. Turn your life around, remain where you are, or evaluate the decisions you are making and decide where YOUR life should progress to. It is after all your life so where you end up is entirely up to you :) Merry Christmas! May this season find you on your knees thanking God for all that you have!

 Merry Christmas 

Anthony VS Anthony

I just realized that I never did a post in August and that was the month that our marriage (if you can call it that) was Annulled. I remember the moment I found out so vividly. I was just exiting a sealing session for two awesome friends of mine from high school in the draper temple. While waiting for the bride and groom to come out I turned my phone on to see if I had any missed calls... I did!!!! My lawyers had called during the sealing to announce that I was completely free from the man that had almost taken my life. I couldn't breathe, tears of joy streamed down my face and all I could say was "oh my goodness" and "Its over!" I had to sit down I almost fainted in the temple lobby. The people I found out in front of where a group of tight nit old high school friends who I had recently come in better contact with. I love that I had people around me who knew who I was, knew what this meant to me. The circumstances where set up by the Lord I just know it. I was ending my eternal marriage just as a couple was starting theirs. I love how the Lord knows us so perfectly that he blesses our lives in the most perfect of ways.
I cannot say that I am completely happy with my choices immediately following finding out that I was a free, single woman again.... but it had been 5 months sense I had kissed anyone... If I could go back I would not date that friend of mine for the week before I moved to Boston. I would spend more of that time with my family members and best friends! I would have treated myself to dinner and a movie instead of asking it of him. I learned so much from the experience of dating someone for literally less than a week that I am grateful for but I also ended up losing a friendship that I could have kept had I not dated that person. Sense dating him I have no desire to ever talk to him again and that is not just due to the fact that the last words he spoke to me a side from a hug and saying goodbye was "Don't forget to delete my number." I can really pick um that is for sure. That is also why I am not dating presently. I will not put my failed marriage on a man until I have completely come to terms and grieved in my own way. I will not go on dates until I feel sure that I am steady on my own two feet and able to express what happened to me in past tense.
"You is kind, you is smart, you is important." -The Help
Being in Boston I feel like a different person. The self doubt, self talk, and put downs toward my self have STOPPED!! I do not know how I lived with a smile on my face before knowing how much I was hurting myself. I am a beautiful Daughter of God and he loves me. When we put ourselves down we are putting Him down and he is perfect and our creator so we should really not do that. yeah? Jesus suffered our sins on the cross so that we could LIVE! So everyone out there just spread a little joy within your head and do your happiness some good this holiday season ( and everyday from now too.)
My brother Cameron ( who is single, by the way ;)) had this recent insight and I want to share
"If what we are experiencing here on this earth was not important, then Jesus would not have suffered our sins on the cross. He took our pain upon himself because our life experiences are valuable." Now lets just rephrase that last part. "He took our pain upon himself because our LIFE is valuable." Your life has value!! Everyone please remember that this holiday season as winter can be more than a little depressing without loved ones and the knowledge that our Savior Christ was born this month:)
Thank you anyone and everyone who reads this! I am more than blessed to be able to share my experiences and am happy when it can touch the lives of others. Merry Christmas!! ( Just in case life does what it's best at and gets busier)

Too Open; Faux or Friend

I have usually been too much of 'something' in my life. Too giving. Too emotional. Too loving... If that exists ;). Too angry. I share openly even when I tell myself to stop sharing and just keep more things to myself ( I've often considered if this could help in being hurt by people less). It is either a skill I just haven't tried hard enough at or it is a skill that I will never obtain. When I get around someone and I feel their excitement to talk or they start sharing I just cannot help it I jump right in and share something personal. This last summer I did just that and it resulted in someone never speaking to me again and thinking less of me. Sadly it is not the first time this has ever happened. Most of my life I have wanted to be every ones friend and to just have fun! What I've found in trying for this goal though is that most people don't actually have that same goal. They have agendas and reasons for talking to only certain people. I may be over baring with my emotions sometimes but unfortunately for me, sometimes, and for others around me that is the way I communicate best!!
 I don't wake up most days and tell myself "I really need to share my most embarrassingly personal story with a complete stranger" It just ends up happening if that person has made me feel safe or wanted or loved in anyway. I have past issues that I am facing dangerously head on with a strong head on my shoulders. The pain from my experiences are nauseating and often take my breath away when let go uncontrolled but I am winning. Every day that I am a live I AM WINNING.

I recently started practicing my talents of Music, Dance and Acting again so that I could apply for a very prestigious Universe. I am scared out of my mind to let myself be so vulnerable. Performing those art forms has always been the way people can truly see exactly what I am dealing with in my life without me even wanting it. When I dance, my body gliding across the floor tells a story and the one it will tell now? I want it to say 'strong', 'courageous', 'full of life' instead of 'recently abused' 'not so innocent' and 'heart broken'. My self esteem is hugely lacking. Even with the love from my God it is only enough if I can feel it for myself on a constant basis. I am happy most days.... some days are harder than others and some.... are just plain awful.

 I put a smile on my face for most people. Reality? I trust very few people truly and very few people actually live up to the standard of 'my friend'. I just pray that despite my own faults I have been someone that people want to be around and who lets people know that they can share anything they need or want to and I wont judge them or make them feel bad for it. I love people, even the ones I haven't yet met, always have and probably always will.

Dear No One

As some of you may already know my ex-husband was re-married to a woman named Rachael in July....we were legally divorced in August. I tossed and turned over whether or not I needed to play the white knight roll and save the "new" damsel in distress but than I realized that I had no idea if she was actually in distress yet or if she ever would be. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I know my experience with Marshal Anthony but I don't know her story or her personality for that matter. She could be just as messed up as him and they could actually be happy together....for Rachael's sake I really have been praying that she is happy and that if she does ever need saving from him that she will find the help she needs. Something that I pride myself on is that I was one of the only women ( that I know of) who stood up to him and who he could not mess with after the fact. I walked away and haven't talked to him since.

Sure, it hurt like hell that he could re-marry like it means nothing to him, what we had together, but that is just it, to Marshal Anthony marriage means absolutely nothing. To prove my statement is more than true his new wife is wearing MY wedding ring. I was always raised to fight with everything I had for marriage and that no matter what happened as long as the both of us had the Lord everything would work out in the end. Well when I realized that it was just me and the Lord fighting for everything we had I focused more on my survival both spiritually and physically and I took it far away from him and I will never go back to that place again. 

I can see the rush he might have felt to re-marry so quickly, after everything that happened the pain felt like it was endlessly eternal and that nothing I did or didn't do would take it away. I don't want to numb the pain or chase it away or even ignore it. I don't want to mask it with another man and there is no way that I would go find the first man to show me attention and marry him (sorry fellas ;)). 

Jesus Christ didn't run away from his bitter cup he patiently waited in a peaceful garden praying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" Luke 22:42. Now, by no means am I anything close to being compared to Christ's perfect example but I look to him for guidance and found refuge in his experience. I can be okay as long as I face my pains head on and not faltering as they pass through, I know that as Christ over came the ultimate pain I can have a hope of the same thing. 
As Tori Kelly says it best in her new single "Dear No One"
"but sometimes I just want somebody to hold, someone to give me the jacket, when it's cold got that young love even when we're old. Yes, sometimes I want someone to grab my hand, pick me up, hold me close, be my man. I will love you till the end. So if you're out there I swear be good to you.. but I'm done lookin' for my future someone. Cuz when the time is right you'll be here but for now dear no one this is your love song."
As time goes on I have felt a healing in my heart that no one other than Christ could have put there. His atonement is REAL and lives inside each of us we just need experiences to draw it out of us and allow us to use it on a regular basis. Christ did not suffer on the cross for us to selfishly say to him 'I can do it on my own, thanks' by using drugs or alcohol or by even ignoring our pain and moving on too quickly. I pray every day that I can remain strong enough to continue to get to know myself and my limits that I will always turn to the savior first in my experiences whether for joy or for pain I am married to Christ in a manner of speaking because he is inside of me and has allowed me this second chance at living a life I did not think I had.

I am loved, you are loved... live life the way that makes you happiest. When have you had the truest smile on your face, the most peaceful feeling or even just an assured knowledge that you are exactly where you are supposed to be? I try to keep log of those moments and when I am presented with choices I take out my memories and choose the one that best suites me. Yes that means that I take a year or so off of dating, so be it... When I am holding my future family close to me with a wonderful companion by my side carefully chosen by patience, time and prayer then I will see my choice come to fruition and I will continue to thank God, Amen.

The Deadly Affair

I guess I didn't realize just how much healing would make telling my story so difficult. The more time I take to share the events of my marriage I grow farther away from remembering everything. Wonderful does not even begin to describe how angelic I feel having come this far sticking by the lords side. Hard times come, always without fail but why else are we present on this earth if not to feel and experience something that is completely unique to us? I have shared that I was married to Marshal and that he was less than he claimed to be but I have hopes to bring the arduous parts to a close that I may keep on my path of happiness and healing. I am not saying that I will not possibly come back to past memories as they come to me, after all I could not hope to have all fade from my memory so quickly as it has not even been a year sense I left Marshal, I do however have actual details to help tie up the loose ends to my life and I want to share them sooner rather than later. 

Yes I left Marshal after an afternoon that I honestly thought was my last. I remember even the last visitor we had as a couple. Not to put any strict weight on the neighbors or members of our ward but in reality I was the only one that would stand up to him. She came to drop off some relief society crafts that I had promised to help with and when she opened the door I was over come with the desire to run out of the house and get her to drive me away from him, from that house. I was hit with a realization that I had been trying to grapple with all day. I was terrified of my husband and felt a dread looming over me of what was going to happen. I had stopped thinking about tomorrow and could barely think about the next hour ahead of me. I invited her in to say hello and glancing at Marshal she kindly declined and left. I swallowed the hard knot that had formed inside of my throat and shut the door. Slowly turning around I carried the box of soaps that needed wrapping and set them down on the kitchen table. Marshal wanted to know what they were so I told him once again how I had helped make soap only last week and how they were meant for the relief society birthday party that we were planning. Planning...I than was caught up in thought of the last relief society function. I had asked for Marshals help in baby sitting the nursery for the women so that all the ladies could get to know each other. Marshal had made a scene while we tried to set up the decorations. Talking loudly about the other women and their need for decorations and on and on criticizing thing after thing, only letting his voice carry louder and louder. I was mortified. Its honestly hard enough to make friends with people in general when you move to a new place without a friend or family member to stand by but now after only a short time of trying my hardest to be friendly and be let in by these women Marshal had gone and created a very large " do not disturb sign" on my back. Looking back now I see it was his way of trying to keep me in the dark and his lies my truths. No Marshal and I had talked and knew that it would be best if he never attended one of the relief society or probably even ward functions again. I could barely get him to the three hour block for church anyway and that was exhausting work in and of itself. Our argument eventually made it outside the ward building as I was trying to not involve everyone in our personal affairs but that did not stop him from berating me loudly to people as they got out of their cars and walked into the building. when I figured out he was being a child throwing a tantrum I told him to leave and that I would find a ride home when the event was over with. I left inside and found out later that he had tried to follow me in with his gun, a friend at the time had stopped him..... I was brought back to our humble dinning room by him asking if I had forgiven him for his outburst just the other day ( separate of course from the one just described). I had not, my mind could not fathom a world in where I ever trusted him at all. I had just days before emailed a woman who I suspected of being an ex wife of Marshals. I will give her the name Becky as she wishes to not be mentioned. Marshal had passionately declared that he was a virgin before our wedding night. Becky allowed me the honor of hearing all about the way in which he had acted out his destruction on her life and how yes in fact they had been married having only gotten divorced three months before meeting me and declaring his love for only me. I felt an instant sickness well inside my stomach as I looked into his eyes. He was terrified. I could see it in his countenance and in the way he had asked the question. I answered slowly, counting my words and waiting to measure his response. "No, Marshal I have not yet forgiven you." He said that we needed to work everything out that things needed to be fixed before we went to New York to meet his family. Its true we had been married for five months and no not one of his family members came to the wedding nor had I met a single one. I knew that he was right that we needed to be on good terms in order for me to handle meeting his family but I needed answers first. I decided to just start my interrogation. "You know how your mom wanted those award letters from your service cross award and the other ones?" I started off casually with a little smile at the end not showing much enthusiasm. "Well I would really like copies as well so that we can scrap book them for our children and for me I've never seen them or even a picture of your Ranger team for that matter." He said he understood and that although he didn't like keeping memories of his fallen team he would do it for me if I really wanted him too. He had a dental appointment and said he would stop by the ED center to get them printed off on his way there. "No, Marshal I want to see them now can you pull them up on your computer." He squinted his eyes at me trying to find out my angle while I just stared back."I will get them printed off while I'm out okay!" It wasn't okay, I had seen Marshal use photo shop and knew that if I gave him time he would fabricate something. I told him that I knew he was good at photo shop and that I did not trust him. "I want to see some proof that you were a Ranger that you graduated bomb school and that you have done the things you say you have done." He ( best I can remember) tried to find words that would satisfy me but anything I asked about his past and about proof being supplied to back up the things he did find to say was being met with dismay and a growing red face. He slammed his hands down on the table and yelled, " Aimee, what is all this about, you don't believe your husband?" "No I don't." At that very moment there were only a handful of things that I did actually believe and I wasted no time in telling him what they were. " Marshal I believe that you are a liar, I believe that you were never a Ranger. I believe that you never graduated bomb school and I believe that you were not a virgin when we got married. I believe that you where married to Becky and that I was not your first wife." " NO!!! Becky was my sisters best friend and I talked to her to honor my late sisters memory that is all. I have told you that before. My sister wanted us to date and so I took her on a few dates, we talked about this just a few nights ago I told you everything about how it was a stupid young love crush and that I had stopped talking to her for good to better honor you, my wife... my everything." Oh great... he was reverting to the sweet talk again. In a fight Marshal would either get really angry and make like he was going to beat the shit out of me or he would sweet talk me into being intimate with him... either way I was always left feeling sick and empty afterwards. "Marshal I emailed Becky.. .she told me everything so how about you try telling me again what happened, maybe the truth with slip out this time." I had gathered a lot of courage to say these things to him and knew I was walking on thin ice with his temper but couldn't help myself what with finally getting somewhere in the search for truth. He slammed his hands down on the table again only with grater force, jaw tensing up, chest moving slowly up and down and eyes fixed on mine he spoke through gritted teeth as he continued to 'stick' to his story of being a virgin and having only ever slept with me. "I know that you are lying Marshal and its really sad that you are because we could have been happy together." I had finally said the magic words to spark the fire cracker that had been waiting to go off inside of him. He lunged across the room at me as I stood up to leave. He grabbed my shoulders and started with force to make me stay put. As I struggled to leave it only enraged him more. He wrapped his left arm around my neck and held my mouth and nose tight with his right hand as he brought me down to the ground. To get me to hold still better he proceeded to get on top of me putting his whole weight into it the whole while telling me to shut up and that this time was my last. "I am going to kill you, Aimee, DO YOU HEAR ME??? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AIMEE." I felt my lungs thrashing out for air.. and my legs where kicking against his weight trying to wiggle enough to get at least my nose free. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to call out for help but his grip was so tight that I could only hear inaudible noise escaping. I prayed to my Heavenly Father in that moment knowing that the only way I could receive help now was from Him. I felt my soul screaming up to Him, to anyone listening, I needed help. 
When the Military Police asked me how I got free from him I had no answer for them. I had immaculate memory when it came to every other detail of what happened but how I had made it from the farthest point of the room from the back door to that very door and in enough time to open it and scream for help before he grabbed me again I will never fully know..But I don't need to because I know that it was God. His grace is sufficient for me and I have an unashamed faith in my savior; He saved my life that day and I am in awe at his love for me.

Leaf of Optimism (Edited: 02/20/2023)

The leaf of optimism

                  between fingertips                 

and the scrunch of shoulder blades
spin, 

          spin, 

                    spin, 

                                    reach.

The flex of my foot and the arch of my back. 
Heart pounding,

               wrists exposed I
                                             reach my limit just as I'm forced into the air.
Due to a lack of oxygen 

I need the extra levels of ozone to express 

Just how sweet the air tastes 

                                                  when it is not dripping with

self doubt, 

pain, and 

the negative voices in my head. 

Dance is exhilarating, unable to fix decisions from past trials, 

It allows me to breathe in the freshness of time. 

Time is sweet and cherished.
Time allows patience to make amends.
Time is a friend ticking,

                                and ticking.
My toe brushes the floor,

Continuing to tease the moments that time allows us to capture. 

The leaf of optimism turns over and over as my body gracefully comes to its conclusion. 

For now. 

                                                -A

Looking to the Past

Is it wrong to want to go back in time to the very first guy who ever kissed you and tell him no, to not only say no to him but to take back all the men you gave your love too? I have wished this for myself many a time. Tonight is a harder night for me in my recovery process. Not one of the hardest but one of the more lonely and sad ones. My heart aches for the known, for the love of someone who I can trust. The love of a man who will not make me feel afraid, emotionally put in a corner or abandoned. Looking back from the very first boy I ever kissed on to now I feel that they all took a part of me and disappeared into nothing leaving me feeling broken and a lone. I keep wanting a man like Prince Charming. One who has the courage of a lion, the strength of honesty and true fairy tale love. The only thing is Prince Charming in all his "perfection" is not real or in anyway something I will ever find. I want a man who is honest and true, who would make good decisions and want someone who has a testimony of Christ like I do. I want a true man of God. A man searching for perfection because he wants to be like Christ and is following in his way. Sadly for me I do not have Faith anymore that a man such as this exists...(after all I really cannot marry my brothers ;P.) If this stalwart man did exist would he find me attractive enough, smart enough, noble enough, classy enough, fun enough, quiet enough, loud enough and loving enough. I have been through so much hurt and pain but it was all mostly brought upon myself. I was silly enough to believe that if I chased after love long enough that it would find me in the end ready for a happily ever after of my own and that I would be blessed with a beautiful family that would bring me eternal happiness. Instead I was found unready, deep in a whole, with a man who did not love me, without those promises I so thought I had. I took leap of faith after leap of faith hoping and praying that that guy I had just met was the one I was meant to start a family with. I did not know how to recognize a red flag warning me to get away from a dangerous guy any more than I would have known that I needed to stop looking for love. Even now after all the heartache I have faced from my burnt up marriage I still have those urgent feelings to run to the next guy who will give me attention and let him calm my fears and stop the hurt for a short while. Dating for me has become cursed in some ways. I have the most strong desire to start a family and be closer to the lord through those blessings but the only way that I can truly heal and find a healthier way of living with myself and the future men who might date me, is to give myself the time to heal. Healing brings up another point that has come to bother me. If I am healed from the many mistakes and heartaches that plague my memory, will I than find someone who will not brake me again. A man who will live up to his priesthood responsibilities and not let me down. I need to find my faith in men again. In the abilities to love that they have and the ways they can treat people if they choose to follow Christs example. I find it incredible that I can even still jump right back into wanting to like someone again. Into wanting love again. I still have my unabashed sense to love and that brings me hope. It also brings me a very strong sense of self preservation which is going to be hard for most people to understand. I feel the need to protect the love inside of me just in case I am able to find a man worthy of it. I cannot truly say that I think I will ever re marry for as of now I do not want to live with the fear that he will turn out to be less than I previously new him to be. I have much healing to do I know that but I also know that it will be a slow process, one that will take my time and energy to keep me going strong. 

With Marshal I never knew what his motives where so I just started to trust him with blind faith and all the love I had inside of me. We often would take long walks together just holding hands and talking and I never once was made to feel like he did not love me. In fact he was good at making me feel like the most loved woman in the world...or at least i felt that way. How was I to know that he had roaming eyes and a false heart when he would speak of wanting to spend every waking moment with me and would come home early from work just to be with me. For the first month of our marriage we lived in a Great Value hotel. I stayed home all day while he took the car to work. I only got outside when I ventured out to the parking lot for a walk. We did not have much money for "fun" activities so we just spent time watching movies on his computer or going to the Walmart and walking around. Even with a simple life style I was happy because I felt loved and I was with the man I had chosen to marry for all time and eternity. To be completely honest I think that Marshal really tried to make me happy and to leave his dirty, evil ways in the past but they were to deeply rooted for him to really leave behind and as time passed by he fell back into old habits. Life would have been simple for us; Simple but good. 

And Guile Ruled

 There is a feeling I get when I know something is wrong. It starts in my lower abdomen and seeps up into my chest region not caring to stop at my heart but rather wishing to proceed down my arms and into my ears. Its numbness slowing my breathe and allowing my face to wash void of emotion. When my body is in this state I feel as if something inside of me is stretching upward to the sky listening for whispers, signs and love from my Heavenly Father. What is wrong here... did I do this to myself? Stop being so dramatic Aimee and calm down Marshal didn't mean it... any of it. If you were more Respectful and kind as a wife than you would save yourself the heartache of fighting and Marshal would be able to control himself better. It really wasn't that bad ya know? This time he had backed me into the corner again, holding me there while tears streamed down my face and he kept screaming for me to look at him. What was my deal? Why aren't you opening your eyes Aimee? It will make it all go away, he will calm down... but first you will have to see the unadulterated hate which somehow found its way onto his face. "please don't, Marshal back up your scarring me, I hate...." I was going to say 'I hate when you put me in a corner' but of course he did not let me finish. He raised his fist to eye level cocked back and ready to strike while at the same time grabbing my face and shaking it uncontrollably. "You hate me??? YOU HATE ME???" He managed to lower his voice and step in closer against my body. "I could kill you right here and right now and NO ONE would ever find out it was me. I have killed more people than you can imagine it would be easy....LOOK AT ME!!!" I finally looked. "Than do it, kill me." I said it with a tone of stability. Trying to challenge his threat. It was not the first time those thoughts and words had crossed his lips and I was growing tired of his rage. Dying would really be better than living with Marshal for eternity. I did not want to die but by the look in his eyes he meant it and I knew that with all his Army knowledge he was capable of it. 
The morning of October 9th I woke up and was acutely aware of my fiance being only one floor down from me. Today was the day we were planning on getting our marriage license and run a few other errands in preparation for our wedding in three days :) I made Marshal one of his favorites a BLT sandwich with extra bacon and as I cleaned up after lunch a knock rang through the house. we weren't expecting anybody this early in the morning but even so I went to answer the door. Three U.S. Marshal's stood before me and my heart dropped to the floor. "Is Marshal Anthony here" one of them asked. "Yeah, let me get him." I felt like screaming for him to run, to grab him and never let go, and I overcame all  of those and calmly walked downstairs to him and let him know the police where there for him. Looking back I really should have been panicked but I was too shocked to really freak out at the situation. When I got him he seemed surprised that they were here but stayed really calm when they read him his rights and hand cuffed him. My shock finally over came me and I just cried. Marshal was demanding it was a mistake and kept saying "I'm an Army Ranger! I just came out to get married, I didn't do anything wrong." My father about went to jail himself with trying to stand up for Marshal and by the time Marshal was in the police car most of my neighbors where aware of the commotion even if they weren't physically standing outside there homes watching. I was Mortified and numb from watching my future husband get arrested. I tried to listen to my father frantically call military personal after military personal trying to figure out what had happened and why our wedding was being up rooted but after a while I made my way down to his room to be alone. Marshals computer was on his bed and I tried to get on to find something that would help me but nothing came to my attention and I shut it. Looking around the room again I decided that I would do a load of laundry for him and pack up his stuff. While I folded his clean clothes I listened to the parable of the current bush. Over and over again I listened to the story of the man who was cut down so that he could grow the way that the Lord intended for him to and peace was brought to my heart. I knew that everything was going to be okay, that there was a plan even if I wasn't sure how it was going to work out I trusted in my Lord. I felt his strength overcome my weak body and I let that thought relax me. I finished cleaning up his things and than decided that I would fast a short time to keep the spirit with me. That evening was my interview with the stake president and I was determined to still get my Temple recommend and to attend the temple frequently with or without a spouse. Before I went to the stake center I went on a short walk and part way through laid down on the cement and looked up to the sky thinking of my Heavenly Father and letting him know that I needed him to comfort me. I opened my heart in prayer and gushed about the days events and I could feel him listening to me, never interrupting. His arms wrapped around me and I felt his love and adoration for his daughter and I felt secure and strengthened.

Testimony

Sometimes when I let my mind wander I realize my worth and my potential and I cant help but cry. How could I have let myself down by marrying someone who appreciated me so little and how was that ever going to be enough for me?
 I love my Heavenly Father with the most intense love possible. I cannot imagine a world without his Atonement and a way to be joined for Eternity with those that truly love me. My heart is so full and I have a constant prayer in my heart that I will not let myself down again. That I can be a strong, loving, selfless daughter of God who can keep moving forward towards my goals and dreams.
 My heart aches for an eternal family centered around Christ and I pray with all of my heart that I can someday have that blessing of undying love and devotion from a worthy man of God who will live up to his temple covenants and who will bless our children with the Holy Priesthood. I cannot express adequately the respect and adoration I have for those men out there who are keeping there standards high and treating woman right. We, woman of God, are heavenly queens sent here to raise a righteous seed unto our Heavenly Father and to help them achieve their own testimony and to someday return home to our Heavenly Father.
 Men, please do not forget who we are and why we are essential to His plan and that he loves us. I know that I have not completed my account of my failed marriage but I pray that I will be able to record it accurately and the way the lord would have me do. I was in the deepest depths of despair and the Lord saved my life. I have a depth of gratitude that cannot be described and I know that the lord is aware of my love for him and I can feel His love in return.
 I will always be eternally grateful to my earthly parents who came and on the Lords errand saved me physically. I am strong, beautiful, and worth something because of the Lord, His son Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, my earthly father and mother, my siblings, and my own Testimony. I know Joseph Smith was called of God and that he did indeed see God the Father and Jesus Christ. I know that he did indeed translate the Book of Mormon and I know that it is another testament of Jesus Christ.
 I believe in this Gospel, I believe it to be true and I am incandescently happy to be a Latter Day Saint woman.

Sometimes

All too soon the dress was bought, the cake tasting over and the venue booked. I count myself blessed to have a wonderful loving mother who is amazing at planning weddings.

 With her keeping me on schedule we had everything done 3 weeks prior to our wedding date and it left room for growth within our long distance romance.There were of course minor disagreements such as me suggesting he wear a nice tux on the wedding day and Marshal throwing a fit while accusing me of not caring enough about his army career to ask him to wear his dress greens...Me wanting a Smith sized wedding reception which easily goes over 200 people any day and Marshal wanting a small back yard gathering...And the best one of all was how Marshal kept asking me if me moving to Georgia was really what I wanted. He brought it up at least three times and every time said something to this effect, "Aimee you can always have a few months with your parents if you aren't ready to move just yet..." Excuse me? I love the man but really? He needed to stop saying we could live apart and that he missed me all in the same day.
 Besides the small squabbles that can accompany a budding relationship there was one in particular that I should have paid more attention too. The time apart did make us miss each other very much but it still left no excuse for Marshal to ask me to fly down to Georgia and sleep with him. He would sneak the invitation in when I was always in the most vulnerable states. It made me angry and a little on edge. Our goal was to be married in the Salt Lake Temple why was he wanting to throw all of that away for a few nights of "fun." I tried my best to talk him down and to remind him of the blessings we would receive if we did our marriage right, we could have each other for Eternity. He would than back peddle and agree with me...but really if you agree with someone deep in your heart do you really bring it up again? Do you try to beguile them into your will and not the Fathers? It was my blind faith and love that blinded me for the worse unfortunately and it would only be a matter of time before I unearthed a more bitter guile that would tear my world apart.
 Sometimes though it is the Fathers will to think the best of someone. Sometimes it is His will to experience an utter and complete happiness and than an utter and destructive sadness. Sometimes walking blindly is okay and sometimes Faith is all He wants you to have.

Supression

Those Beyond

By: Aimee Ruth Smith

I am on the edge,
 never really opening my mouth
         to say the things that are there
 It is wrong, for lack of better
 I cannot see.
when courage strikes so does guile
harming more than my Pride, I feel alone
I feel purple
I feel blue, green and ashen
I still cannot see.
 breathing still a luxery
almost everything else....gone
a bomb goes off, again
mean
ugly
and hateful it proceeds to rip at my throat  
kicking silence forward it holds onto my lungs for dear life
no one around but those involved
or so it seemed
I have something that is hard to see
a bulge in my strongest muscle
a firm hand on my shoulder
I have eyes, they just aren't my own
somebody
    somebody
I need you
    Now or never I need you
A burst of light, A breeze, A sound
              I am free to breath
power sifts as the victor changes
the veins of strength and courage course into will
as the eyes are not my own so
 height, power and mind are not my own
the end result
opposite from all perceived accounts
walking away
   breathing
breathing
      breathing once more

*My Story**Chapter Four*

I sat there looking at my computer screen in utter and complete emptiness. Why was Marshal a Ranger, why did he have to get deployed so often and why was my heart hurting so badly now that he was gone on one of those missions? My computer screen lit up again as I moved my finger across the square pad. I clicked refresh on the YouTube video on U.S Military Rangers I had already watched and tried to watch it again, doing anything I could to feel closer to him and wishing that he was just home safe. Why had they sent him to China? Was there really so much going on in the world behind our backs that we would need to send troops into Northern China to take someone down? My mind was numb and I felt sick to my stomach. I cannot count how many times I started a text and just never sent it to him. What is an appropriate text for someone who just had to kill people? " Hey honey! How was your trip? Hope you all survived!" ....No I had no idea whatsoever so I just settled into trying to dig up dirt through news articles and for some reason I thought I actually might find something on why his team had been sent there. I can be so naive. Why could I not sleep, how many missions had he been on and I could sleep just fine. I would of course worry but could talk myself into knowing that he would be just fine. My tummy was in knots and my mind going a mile a minute. I finally caved and shot him a text...."I miss you..Cant sleep." I regretted not being stronger for him, but I could not be dishonest with the man I was going to marry and knew that holding my tongue would be the deepest wrong I could do to him. It took a few moments but he responded with worry and care. I explained that I worried for him and that I felt uneasy. He than called me. He tried to say that he would drop the mission and come home to me, that his team would be alright and that I was more important. My mind shot out at me...'He can just leave? what? How is that possible? yes leave, be safe.' I wanted to keep him safe from more PTSD from more heartache more loss. I told him he should stay that I would be okay and that his team needed him. we hung up the phone and I was finally able to drift off to sleep. 
 In the morning I woke up to what I had feared, someone had died. Marshals best teammate and battle buddy had passed away during there night raid. She had come through a doorway and shot a mother holding a child. The child had fallen to the floor, the woman in her over come her years of training and she rushed to grab the baby without finishing her sweep of the room. she was shot several times through the neck and while Marshal did everything he could to try and save her a neck wound will always finish a person off. Instantly the guilt set in. I was so selfish to have consumed his thoughts and time while he should have been with his team. Could he have possibly helped Kelly from that awful fate had his mind been more on the mission and less on me? I pushed it from my mind as I remembered that all things are done unto the lord and that his will is not always easily understood. I prayed that I had not been the one to distracted Marshal from better protecting Kelly. I tried so hard to be there emotionally for Marshal and he tried to let me in but this was his hardest hour with her passing and he started to shut me out. He filled his time with more drills, more work outs and more ranges. This experience helped me see just how much he loved his team and it brought me to think could I truly ask him to leave his team behind for me? Is Marshal marrying me the best thing for him and if so could I ever live a life with him being an active Ranger? 
He finally let me in enough to help him through his grief and I was just so relieved to see him allowing me to help. I don't consider myself the expert on marriage but I know enough to say that in marriage you need openness, complete and utter trust and honesty, unashamed love and a willingness to try for the other person. I saw signs of those things in Marshal and it helped me know that we could make it through anything. He was my Marshal. My one. My only.

Engagment Session W/ Ashley Rubisch

*My Story**Chapter Three*

As I looked up into the sky, late one afternoon, I wondered where God was at that very moment. Was he noticing my reflective mood and wanting to communicate with me or was he busy with the millions of other people who are less fortunate than I? He was with me, He always is. In fact he is always with all of his righteous sons and daughters. I sat up from the summer grass for a moment to scribble in my journal, I love to journal, than began to reflect once more on the decision I was about to make. God... Is Marshal the man I am meant to marry?
Yes I had only known Marshal for a short time but already it felt like we would be happy together. We could go dancing together as I have always had a passion for dance and Marshal had that same passion for dance only just West Coast Swing. I didn't mind what style of dance just as long as we danced. We could travel together to places like Spain and Norway. I have always dreamt of being in the heart of Spain learning of there culture and falling in love with serving the people. Marshal had an adopted sister who had taken him to Norway once and he desperately wanted to go back. He even had a tattoo in Norwegian which read "wisdom, courage, serenity" We could grow closer to God together, that was the most exciting aspect of choosing Marshal as my husband. I wanted to have an eternal love with someone I trusted and I trusted Marshal. He was always there for me, always talking to me, always wanting to be close with me through skype. I was growing closer to God and Marshal and I loved waking up each day to both so ingrained in my heart.
There was something about Marshal that I just could not understand. One night in July right before he came out to propose I felt the need to allow my fiance to understand more of my spotted past. I had not always chosen the right in regards to the law of chastity but I had still saved my virtue for only one man, my future husband. Regardless of me saving that most precious part of me I had sinned in other ways and felt the need to allow Marshal to understand all of me. He was outraged and let me know it. I took a walk so as not to alarm my parents as Marshal continued to rip me to shreds with his words. I was a numb mess with endless tears as he made me feel terrible for all the things I had ever done in my life. "I have repented Marshal, I have taken all to the bishop and I have been found worthy and clean, why is my past, which had nothing to do with you, so hard for you to forgive and still love me through?" He told me he could not stand the thought of me with other men and that he did not think he could be married to someone who had messed up in life. I was devastated, heartbroken, a piece of trash on the side of the curb ready to be swept up by the garbage truck. As I sat on the curb I told Marshal "You are not the man I have come to love if you truly feel this way, I have repented of my sins and have always been completely honest with you. It is your choice to let this tear us apart or to get over yourself and not be so judgmental." He just continued to make me feel worse about myself saying that I had led him to believe I was a better person than I was and that he did not know if he could move past this. "Than I will not marry you Marshal, for I need someone who can love me unconditionally and you obviously deserve someone better than me." That seemed to calm him down and he began to change his mind saying " As long as this is all the truth and there is no more surprises than I can marry you and I can forgive you for this." 
How could someone be so perfect? Marshal had really never fooled around with anyone, had never gotten drunk with his friends and never tried drugs? Something did not sit right in my soul but I was not sure why. My fiance really was a wonderful person. He had his moments of red blooded anger but he had good reason. For he had served as an American Army Ranger and had seen more blood and carnage than any human being should be able to see and still be semi normal. I was ready for the challenge of being with a man with so much baggage and I needed to just remember that he loved me and that we could work on it together.
 Marshal came out the weekend of July 12-14 the 12 being my birthday. My heart was filled with joy at the thought of being able to celebrate my birthday with him. However, his flight made it to Salt Lake at 1 am on the 13th and so missed my birthday. I was disappointed but knew that it was just his delayed flight to blame. We went to his hotel room and cuddle together just giggling and talking about how much we had missed each other. He talked about a few training exercises that his team had been through and that they might be going on a mission sometime in the next few weeks. My heart sank but I did not say anything knowing that it would upset him. I wanted him to know how much I supported him in case he decided to stay in the job. Than I mentioned that I needed my engagement ring for our engagement pictures tomorrow and he just teased and said "But what if I want to give it to you Sunday before I leave?" I could not wait and I made it known " Marshal, please? I am so excited to be wearing your ring! Please don't make me wait till Sunday." He said he would think about it and started talking about other things. He was stalling ;) I knew the sight well and patiently went along with his game until he finally took the ring from his curled up hand and asked me to marry him. I started to cry and said YES! I smiled with happiness as he slipped the ruby ring onto my left hand. It was official, official and it felt so good.
The next morning he dressed in his AC U's and we headed off to the Cook family reunion/ engagement shoot at Jordanelle Reservoir. It was so much fun! The family had all brought yummy food, played fun games, and best of all we took some paddle boats on the water. My cousin Ashley Rubisch agreed to take our engagement photos and what fun they were to take. At the end of the day Marshal said he did not want to stay for the fireworks due to his PTSD but that it was up to me. I wanted to stay so badly, for firework shows are my favorite but I also did not want Marshal to suffer. I was not deciding so Marshal got frustrated with me and said lets just go back to the hotel. I agreed and we left. When we finally made it back I was so tired that I fell asleep in his arms and he was sweet to let me rest. When I woke up several hours later I asked if he had fallen asleep too but he had not. "I don't sleep well because of everything I have been through, but I stayed right here by your side the whole time." I knew it would not be a good idea to tempt ourselves and have me stay the night even with two beds in the room so I stayed a little past midnight and than headed home. The next morning I picked him up and went back to my parents place to visit and to let him say goodbye to everyone before I took him to the airport. Ah! Was he leaving already? Alas, he was and it was bitter sweet. Marshal and I had talked about trying to save as much money as possible for our wedding and so had agreed to not fly out and visit one another until it was time for our wedding. 
Sometimes love can grow fonder from a distance and so we had faith that this would be our case as we took our journey till the final hour......**To be Continued**

*My Story**Chapter Two*

In the beginning of June I traveled down to Moab on a singles ward trip. I had gone the year before and could not wait for the fun hiking and river rafting that would take place again. On the car drive down Marshal could not stop texting me 'I love you' it was almost all he said. Is there really nothing else to say to me? I started to feel uneasy about our relationship and decided to take my doubts to the lord that weekend.
 I prayed fervently every night and during the down moments of the day. I wrote my feelings in my journal, something I love to do, as well as read from the Book of Mormon. As I prayed, read and wrote I felt more and more that I should take a step back from Marshal and just focus on me. So I did. He had been called off on a mission that same weekend and at the same time I received the answer to step back, Marshal hit me with his own harsh news. Morgan, his close teammate, had been shot three times in the back. He had been able to carry her to the chopper only for her to die in his arms on the way back from where they had been. I was between a rock and a hard place. On one hand the lord had specifically told me that I should focus on myself and step back. On the other hand my current boyfriend just had one of his closest friends die in combat. I had never before been given a harder decision so I chose the one I knew had never failed me.
 Marshal did not talk to me the rest of my Moab trip or the following week. When he finally did it was one of the worst days of my life. He called me up on the phone and just chewed me out for abandoning him when he had needed me most. My heart hurt like a hot piece of mettle was searing its way into it. I knew that I had chosen to leave him to grieve on his own, without the title of us being together, but had he truly thought that I had not been with him in spirit? I had prayed for him and his whole team sense it had happened. He was so angry and rightly so, I cried more that day than it felt I had in my entire life. My brother noticed how distressing the conversation had been on me and he pulled me a side after wards to make sure I was okay. Cameron has always been a very spiritually sensitive brother and I have always felt like he was my spirits twin in another life. By the spirits prompting he gave me a verbal blessing. It caught us both off guard but it was something I truly needed to hear. The Spirits Promise "You will be able to stand and look people in the eye who are angry or have hateful feelings toward you and be okay, feel at peace, be confident and be protected." I was humbled to tears and I felt the lords love for me through His words and I knew in that instant that Marshal would be the one to bring to pass that promise. I did not know how but only knew that by loving Marshal I would be given a strength I never knew I had. An eternity of learning and loving with Marshal would teach me to have that spirit of promise only very few obtain.

 By the end of June our love was growing warmer and so was the weather. Marshal came down to visit for the first time the week of his birthday, June twenty sixth, it was awkward to say the least. I picked him up from the airport and was shocked at how much I was not attracted to him. He was small in size and the feelings that came over me upon seeing him for the first time, in person, were not anything like I had imagined. He gave me a Build-A-Bear that he had made to look like a United States Army Soldier and I died at how cute it was. How sweet of him! After that I took to calling Marshal honey bear :). 
The drive home from the airport was more intense than any moment I have ever experienced. Marshal kept on edge and explained to me as we passed under the spaghetti bowl, a condensed over pass area right outside of Salt Lake City, that his unease was due to his months in Afghanistan(among the other places he had been with his team.) Constantly in fear of being shot at from over passes, of bombs blowing your vehicle up, meeting new people for the first time...his visits stress level was starting to dawn on me and I felt how deep his love must be if he was willing to travel so far just to take me on a date. Why did he travel so far? Why me? Why not find someone closer to him? I was uneasy with the whole meeting. I had recently been through the Airport hello's and goodbyes with Adam... Why was I doing this again so quickly after being burned?
 My eyes felt wide open and feet firmly planted. I was really going to make Marshal prove himself. That night we picked up a pizza, Marshal paid, and he met my family. Marshal tended to count his steps wherever we went and kept his back to walls never keeping himself near windows. He had picked up these habits from ranger school. Something we loved doing as a couple was playing Battleship online so while in Utah we bought the board game and played with my parents! Oh! That is the most fun I have had in who knows how long. My mom and dad were on the same team and while my parents had not played in quite some time my mother could have been a professional. She almost never missed a boat which just just made us laugh in awe. Later that night, outside of the La Quinta in Midvale, I sat on the trunk of my car and marshal stood in front of me not wanting to say goodbye but knowing that it was needed as it was late and I worked in the morning. Marshal had said he would kiss me when he visited but suddenly I didn't want him to. I just felt really negatively about kissing him and when he tried I turned away. He tried once more and I only turned the other way. Really Marshal? I know we had talked about kissing when he came out to visit but if a girl turns away than its not going to happen. "Is this one of those things I need to do the marshal way?" He had told me this story of one of his commanders giving a presentation of the civilian way of doing things, the Military's way and the Marshal way. I guess with all of his training and the natural pride that Marshal has, he had made a name for himself with his out of the box thinking. The presentation follows like this: Civilians would go around the mountain, Military would go over the mountain, Marshal would go through the mountain.... well without me having much time to answer Marshal went through my mountainous barrier and kissed me. I full on pulled back but Marshal only followed me back not letting me go. Something clicked between my heart and brain as I relaxed into the kiss. With hands on either side of his face I gazed into his eyes falling, tumbling, diving into the depths of his hold on my heart.
 Laying in bed that night I thought of how far away he felt and yet he was only down the street compared to Georgia! I knew that I loved him and the depth scared me, almost made me sick to think that I was letting myself trust someone I barely knew. What did I know of his life before me? Before the Army? He had a hard childhood living in a divided home with him having been adopted out into a family of other adopted kids when his own parents faced divorce. He had grown up dancing West Coast Swing and playing piano through High School. He had not found the church until he deployed to Afghanistan in 2011 and was baptized shortly after. I asked if he had ever drank or fooled around with woman what with his late start into the church and his answer was so astounding. " No, I never saw the appeal to drink and giving myself to a woman just felt like something I should save for someone special". I had a hard time believing him at first about never sleeping with a woman or being intimate in that way but over time I grew to feel how much he valued chastity and it became one of the most attractive things about him. I would have understood if he was not a virgin because he was a twenty year old man in the army who had only come across the church and its values a year or so ago. The commitment it takes to not be intimate when there is not much holding you back is honorable and I truly fell deeper in love with him for it......**To be Continued**

Courage VS. Survival

 Blog disclaimer: I am immensely religious and so most of what I post will touch on that religious belief. Enjoy at your own religious pleasure. 

*Introduction*
Healing is the act of making better something which has become unhealthy. For most physical healing is the most common form of healing. For such a purpose were doctors, nurses, hospitals, and clinics created. While most notice the status of their physical healing are they taking note of their spiritual healing? Where do you go to check on your spiritual temperature, to diagnose the softness of your heart or to get hearing aids for peace? Most would say your local church bishop, Priest, or religious formation of some sort will allow one to check on their spiritual standing. I say what about the power of self? What can we do individually to start our spiritual healing process and to eventually feel whole again after something has brought immense devastation to our soul?  

*My story**Chapter One*
In May of 2012 I met Marshal Anthony. He was daring, forward, fast and direct to say the least. I was tentative, close minded, and unsure of starting another long distance relationship only four months after Adam( a man in the UK who i had dated for 2 years and had been engaged too). Only 3 days after skyping with Marshal he told me he loved me, that there was something special about me and that he knew one day we would be married. I had no such feelings and almost took him for crazy. How could he know that so soon, how would he be so willing to follow that feeling and why was I meant to meet him? Were all thoughts that came to me during the initial stage of getting to know him. 
On week two we read our patriarchal blessings together and almost out of nowhere my heart swelled within my chest and beat ferociously " I love you" I blurted and Marshal just smiled and said " I've found my penguin." Now for the sake of those that don't know, penguins search for their special mate, the one that will be their constant companion and who will be there for the whole span of their life (disclaimer: Just as humans might have several mates throughout the course of there life, so in some cases will penguins.) Within three weeks I had become Marshals one and only and as we started to skype every night I fell deeper in love than I had anticipated. 
Marshal was a Ranger in the army and had a hard job of deploying at anytime if his team was ever needed for a mission. He described members of his team to me and how they had made it through basic training, airborne school, ranger school, and sere training together. Morgan and Kelly were his closest teammates and he talked of them often. The many, many times that Morgan and Kelly had saved his life and vise versa.. his stories were very detailed and often ended with me in tears and him saying "Its just something you will never fully understand, the things I have been through, so don't try. I have been through what should have normally killed a man but I never died so now I have to deal with the after effects." He often said that him getting off the Ranger team was the only way he could give our future family the attention and time that it would deserve and although I never wanted him to give up something he had worked so hard for and meant so much to him I understood the commitment that he was offering me and it only furthered my love for him.
 Now I had never seen myself with a military man let a lone one that had seen so much despair and death in the world, however there was something inside of me that gave me the strength and let me know that I was strong enough to be married to a man with so much baggage and that my understanding heart could comprehend enough to love him through anything that might happen while he was in the service of our country. 
I often prayed to my Heavenly Father to know if Marshal Anthony was the man I should be with and to see if we were headed down the right path. Every time I prayed I felt warmth and love from Him and knew that He was pleased with my hearts desires and it felt wonderful to grow closer to Him through prayer and scripture study...........**To Be Continued**